Types of manipulation: signs and how to resist them

Do you think that evil manipulators, psychopathic personalities and narcissistic colleagues are only found in TV shows and movies? Alas, the reality is much more interesting than Hollywood. It is possible that with you on the landing lives abuser Uncle Vasya, from which there is no passage not only to his wife and children, but also the neighbor downstairs.

With parental manipulation in one way or another faced every second. And the people who will call black white and white black, full of people at your favorite job. Nevertheless, these processes can and should be resisted, especially in adulthood.

Pavel Rakov

psychologist, coach, creator of the cult training “Actually I am smart, but I live like a fool”.

The main thing is to know the “classics of the genre” in person and be morally prepared. Remember, there is no shame in falling for the hook of a manipulator. There are real virtuosos of this business, and even the most intelligent and enlightened person can suddenly find himself in the net of this strange and painful game. Most importantly, you can get out of this pit on your own or with the help of close friends who are resistant to manipulation from the outside.

Table of Contents

Type one: guilt pressure

One way or another, but with this manipulation you have probably faced since childhood. “You’ll give your mother a heart attack!” – yelled at you by your grandmother. Or your father resented the unmade bed: “Aren’t you ashamed?” And, of course, there were the remarks about the marks you got from school.

You’re all grown up now, but the pressure of guilt continues. For some reason, you suddenly start “earning less” than others. It turns out that you still do not care about parents and in general a bad parent, since the child misbehaves in the yard. In fact, the manipulator puts on the mask of an innocent sheep and victim, without even trying to understand the situation.

What to do? Bend your line. In a difficult situation to turn to a psychotherapist who will help to remove the weight of this guilt from you.

Type two: gaslighting

Very subtle, almost imperceptible manipulation, based on the phrase: “Yes, you imagined!” It only seems that the partner is unpunctual. In fact, it’s you who doesn’t know how to schedule a date correctly. It only seems that your spouse flirted with someone from accounting at a corporate event. It’s all the fault of your jealousy and myopia.

About other situations when you need to resist manipulation, read in our previous material.

So gradually you begin to doubt yourself and reality, slowly going crazy.

What to do? In the case of gaslighting helps keeping a diary with a full description of actions, as well as connecting to the problem of a person who will soberly assess the situation. All conversations with the gaslighter it is desirable to record on a tape recorder or screen correspondence, so that you have ironclad evidence.

Type three: projecting yourself onto others

Yes, attributing their qualities to others – a favorite pastime of manipulators. In this way, they are disempowering themselves, but stigmatizing others. It’s you who don’t understand anything about the project, that’s why you screwed it up, even though your colleague had the last word.

What should I do? It is you who are jealous of someone else’s success, gossiping and generally behaving like a standard Hollywood villain. Get ready! It will take a long time to bring out such a sly man. But if you collect all the evidence of his dishonesty, the ball will move to your side. Help in this the same methods as in the second paragraph – records of conversations, screens of correspondence.

Type four: taking out of context

Imagine that while discussing a new project with your colleagues, you said that the project is likely to be a disaster if you don’t redo the presentation. But just five minutes later you are called on the carpet to your boss for questioning. It’s been reported to the boss that you called the whole project a disaster… This is exactly how taking things out of context works. All it takes is a bright, negatively colored word and the manipulator is on the take.

What do we do? Yes, you have to prove that you are not an elephant. And for this you need to remember what, when and to whom you said. And be sure to secure an objective witness who will confirm the truthfulness of your words.

Type five: take on weakness

One of the common types of manipulation, characteristic not only for offices. It occurs in companies of friends, in couples, among close relatives. “Are you weak to go not to Turkey, and in Sochi?” – asks the manipulator and… In the end, you agree to go where you never intended to go. Or do something that you would never have promised. How to be in such situations?

What do you do? You’ll have to moderate your ardor a bit, restraining yourself from such arguments. Stand firmly on your own: once you have decided, then do not retreat at any point. But this applies to those cases that are not affected by force majeure. In our world, unfortunately, even a pandemic can break all to-do lists and planned events. And it doesn’t even need to take a weakness in anyone.

Type six: strange jokes

The sense of humor in manipulators is very strange, and sometimes even absent as a class. But most often under the mask of jokes in such people are saved devaluation and gaslaiting. Exactly in such a bundle. First you get a joke about your appearance, age or your cognitive abilities. And when you get upset, offended, or try to interrupt the flow of this inarticulate sarcasm with the flavor of childhood, your toxic buddy says: “It’s a joke! Don’t you have a sense of humor?”

On how to get out of an awkward situation with dignity, wrote here.

What to do? Be able in such a situation directly and with dignity to answer: “With a sense of humor I’m fine. Therefore, I declare, it was a disgusting joke.” You will have to do this regularly until the “humorist” is not tired of poking you.

Type seven: leaving the topic

When the manipulator is pinned against the wall with hard evidence or asked to explain what is going on, he usually goes off topic. Shifts your attention to another problem, the weather outside the window, or throws, “I can’t explain now. Why don’t we do it later?” But that “later” never comes. There is another phrase that shows the weakness of the manipulator: “I can not explain now, you will not understand”

What to do? In communication with such a person, continue to insist on a clear justification of his words and actions. Argue that any pro can explain anything to a beginner in simple words. And if he can not, then he is not such a pro. And as soon as your interlocutor gets off topic, become a bore, bringing him back to the main issues time and time again.