Secure type of attachment in relationships: what is it and how to form it?

psychologist, lecturer at the international online institute of psychology Smart

“Secure attachment is the foundation for a person’s healthy emotional and social development. It fosters a sense of security, trust, and adequate self-esteem.”

Attachment is an integral part of the human experience, especially important in early childhood. The emotional bond between child and parent forms the basis for all subsequent relationships. It also influences his mental and social development.

What is attachment?

Attachment is the emotional bond that develops between a child and his or her loved ones (father and mother). It plays a key role in the development of the individual and his mental health.

Types of attachment

1. Secure (safe) attachment

This is when a child has a feeling that his parents will support and take care of him. He is confident that he is loved and will always be there for him when he needs them. These behaviors help him feel safe and trust others.

As a result, children feel confident in the presence of their parents, taking an active interest in the world around them. They also have the ability to ask for support when needed.

The role of mom and dad in forming secure attachment is to create an emotionally supportive environment, showing love, caring, empathy and predictability in the relationship.

2- Anxiety-avoidant attachment

These children usually show a desire for independence. But at the same time experience anxiety and worry in relationships with parents and others.

They avoid emotional closeness and contact. They have a fear of losing the support and love of their relatives.

Their behavior often includes attempts at autonomy, restraint of their emotions, and a preference to avoid situations that require openness.

The parent’s role in forming this type of attachment is to create an emotionally supportive environment where the child feels loved, protected and accepted.

3- Anxiety-ambivalent attachment

The child usually exhibits inconsistent behavior that is expressed through constant anxiety and uncertainty about the availability of the parents. They may show affection and desire for contact, but fear losing support and care.

There are frequent mood swings in behavior, marked anxiety and worry. In addition there is a strong emotional dependence on the parents.

Too much control or too much freedom can create distrust and anxiety. Respond to the child’s feelings with understanding and empathy, helping the child to recognize them and learn to cope. The goal is to create a stable and supportive environment.

4. Disorganized attachment

When a child has a disorganized attachment type, they may behave strangely. For example, he may cling to you or push you away. He may be very angry or frightened for no apparent reason. Why is this happening? He does not have a clear understanding of how to behave with you.

Mistakes that lead to this attachment:

• frequent family conflicts;
• ignoring the child’s feelings;
• lack of clear rules and routines;
• traumatic experiences or violence in the family;
• lack of time and attention to the child.

It is important to strive to create a stable and loving environment where the child feels protected, important and understood.

practicing psychologist, Ph.

“People with secure attachment type enter into healthy, strong friendships and romantic relationships. They do not fall into serious emotional dependence on their partner. They are able to openly share their emotions and thoughts without fear of appearing weak or vulnerable.”

Manifestations of secure attachment

To identify in yourself or loved ones a secure type of attachment, it is worth paying attention to the following patterns of behavior.

Such a person:

• Does not manipulate close people. He calmly treats the refusal to meet, if you are tired or you have urgent business;
• values company, communication and long-term relationships, but is not afraid of loneliness;
• has adequate self-esteem, does not assert himself at the expense of others;
• is able to admit his/her mistakes, ask for forgiveness;
• asks for support when it is difficult, accepts it with gratitude and is ready to help in a difficult moment.

It is important to note that if there is a secure type of attachment, it does not mean that a person is always happy in a relationship. He can also experience difficulties in them, but, unlike people with other types, carries them more easily. It is also able to find compromises and solve problems.

What affects the formation?

To the factors of the formation of secure attachment, psychologists include the following.

1. relationship with parents

For the formation of this type of attachment, it is important to maintain a trusting, supportive environment in the family. The nature of child-parent interaction plays a huge role in what kind of relationships the child will form in the future with other people.

In order to develop a secure type of attachment, it is necessary to maintain a balance between control and freedom of action, guardianship and independence, to study the stages of psycho-emotional development. It is important to feel safe around adults.

2 Experience of relationships with other people

If a person has been in a long-term abusive relationship, has been subjected to violence, bullying, this can negatively affect his or her trust in others.

Tragic events, loss of loved ones also seriously affect attachment. In this case, it is important to give yourself time to relive the trauma and contact a psychologist in order for anxiety to subside.

Is it possible to learn secure attachment?

To develop this new behavioral skill, it is worth starting with small steps.

1. determine your type of attachment. To do this, analyze what prevents you from maintaining relationships, entering into them. What are your fears? What annoys you about yourself or your partners?

2. Learn to accept negative emotions and reduce their impact on your state. Learn to recognize the causes of your feelings. How? There are several exercises.

3. Shift your attention to your body. Take a few deep inhales and exhales, equalizing your breathing. Concentrate on bodily sensations, try not to think about what is troubling you now.

4. Keep a personal journal. Describe your emotions and thoughts about the problem. The main task is to leave on paper anxiety, irritation and fear of loss. When the negative emotions recede, reread what you have written and think about what exactly upset, angered or offended you? How did you react to the situation?

5. Work on self-esteem. Analyze your own perception of yourself, your flaws and strengths. The way we perceive ourselves affects the relationships we have with others.

How to strengthen relationships with loved ones?

1. When a person learns that many psychological problems and destructive attitudes arise in childhood, he begins to blame parents, brothers and sisters. This should not be done.

The relatives did not want to cause harm. Perhaps they just did not realize a lot, repeating the mistakes of their parents, did not understand the reasons for the “bad” behavior of children.

2. It is also important not to suppress your emotions. More often talk to your relatives about feelings and desires. This will help you to listen and hear each other. Sometimes our family members do not realize that some words and actions hurt and upset us.

3- Don’t be afraid of disagreements. Everyone has conflicts. It is absolutely normal. It is important to be able to accept the other person’s position, to give in, while respecting your own values.

4. Be attentive to each other. For example, during a conversation with your partner, don’t keep browsing your social media feed with one-word answers. Don’t ignore requests for support, share joys and moments.

5. Spend time together more often, create new experiences. Walks in the park, tea parties, going to the movies together, cooking dinner, traveling. All this will help you relax, find new topics of conversation and feel warm and cared for.