Why it is harmful to keep your own and other people’s secrets: 3 reasons according to a psychologist

psychologist, art therapist

What is a secret? It’s about not telling or withholding any information at all. It can be related to you personally or to others. In both cases there is a risk of harming your health. In what cases and how does it happen? And most importantly – what will help to facilitate the process, if it is impossible to avoid it?

Secrets come in many forms. Not all secrets are about withholding something frightening or compromising. They are often associated with positivity, and keeping them is an opportunity to increase this positivity.

For example, buying a gift for a loved one or organizing a surprise party are kept secret until later. This does not wear us out at all. On the contrary – it fills us with energy from anticipation. We imagine how surprised the person will be, how pleasant it will be, etc. Such secrets are only beneficial.

But keeping secrets and secrets often harms our emotional and physical health. In what situations does this happen?

What secrets are dangerous

When it’s not your secret

For example, you became a casual witness to an event that personally has nothing to do with you at all. You have no moral right to disclose the information, but you can not get it out of your head. You can often mentally return to this topic, but every time you bury it back. The mystery is not yours. But your health suffers.

When the secret is yours

For example, we’ve made the decision to change jobs. We’ve already had a couple interviews, but you’re keeping it a secret for now. In case it goes wrong or jinxed… From your colleagues you guffaw, avoid your boss. While this secret hangs in the air, you feel a lot of mental stress.

Sometimes both other people’s and your own secrets are difficult to reveal right away. You fear for your loved ones. It’s hard to find the words. Say, when it comes to serious medical diagnoses. And in this situation, hiding the truth, we experience double stress – from the diagnosis itself and the inability to somehow relieve this stress.

A separate topic – adultery. Here sometimes the desire to clean up is broken by the fear of losing the other half. We begin to connect the option “wisdom”, armed with phrases like “with whom it does not happen”. What happens inside? Tension and stress levels rise.

How is this hurting us

1. We live in fear

How do we feel when we silence something and have to constantly negotiate with ourselves? First and foremost is fear. We are afraid of the reaction of those around us. What will happen if everything is revealed? If it’s a personal secret that (as it seems to you) casts a shadow on your good name, then, having learned about it, a close person may turn away. For example, if you cheat, it is natural to expect a divorce.

Thus, a person, keeping a secret of this kind, begins to live in fear, and he is the opposite of love. That is why hiding infidelity in an attempt to preserve the family often fails. Relationships are still destroyed, even if not from the fact that the fact of infidelity has surfaced.

2. Tension rises

Hiding information, we have to constantly control our thoughts and words. We have to watch our facial expressions, emotions and speech.

Again take the example of adultery. When a person hides this fact, gradually he begins to avoid communication with the other half. Constant self-control is a tedious matter. It is better to be alone less often, so as not to answer questions and not to say too much.

We begin to worry and get irritated. Growing internal tension can lead to headaches or more serious illness.

3. we lose energy

Most importantly, keeping a secret requires energy. As a result, instead of channeling it into creating new things, we feed the old and unnecessary. The focus of attention shifts to the past. We can no longer fully enjoy the present. We forget our dreams and plans.

So, keeping such things in ourselves, we get into a difficult emotional state, which gradually exhausts us. Mental disorder, fatigue, shifting focus of attention, irritation – all this leads to conflicts in the family and team. Relationships with loved ones begin to crumble.

The condition can be aggravated, because to conceal information we can begin to make up some stories. Lies are exhausting and gradually make the story even more unsuitable for disclosure. And it can start with nothing, and grow into a real problem.

What to do?

The main thing here is to realize what harm you are doing to yourself. If it’s a personal secret, perhaps by revealing it, you will suffer much less. Often we blow up trifling things to the size of a drama.

If the secret really needs to be kept, it’s important to tap into mindfulness. Answer yourself the question – why are you keeping this secret. You need to clearly identify the reason in order to eliminate the inner tossing and exhausting self-abuse.