How to respond to rudeness, so as not to hit in the mud. 5 ways to fight back

Boorishness and rudeness are forms of anger expression and manifestation of aggression. Suffering from internal complexes, people often devalue the whole world around them, thus increasing self-esteem, ridiculing all the shortcomings of society.

psychologist, psychoanalytic executive coach, sports manager

“Everything you see in me is not mine, it’s yours. Mine is what I see in you.” A key thesis of E. M. Remarque, which perfectly describes the defense mechanisms of the human psyche, such as devaluation, projection or substitution.

All defense mechanisms are of a displaced unconscious nature. Their main purpose is to distort and reflect reality in order to shield one’s psyche from experience.

Substitution allows to transfer unwanted feelings from one object to another for the purpose of self-defense. For example, an athlete who has been yelled at by a coach may restrain himself and not answer him, but when he gets home, he may vent all his irritation on his wife or child. This is how rudeness and rudeness appear.

The first line of self-defense – self-control

When dealing with aggressive behavior, it is important to respond correctly. An angry response will almost certainly escalate the situation and make it harder to defuse. Even negative emotions can be expressed in healthy ways – see the link below for exactly how.

If you are going to deal effectively with the aggression of others, it is important that you understand and manage your own emotional reactions. Care must be taken not to reinforce aggressive behavior with “mirroring” – the same aggressive defensive behavior.

Not everyone who is rude deserves a response

Simply ignore. Do not give in to provocations to draw you into a “bazaar” conflict, because the main goal of the “boor” – to lure you into his game, receiving a negative reaction, thus continuing to spill their “poison” on you, feeding on emotions.

Just stay indifferent, and soon the loud knocking on the closed door will subside. But if you feel that your non-participation is “unbearable”, “unacceptable” and hurts you badly, staying away is not the best way out of the situation. It can backfire and lead to your own auto-aggression.

Set boundaries

“I find it offensive when people talk about _______, and in the future I will no longer engage in conversations about ________.” When you create a boundary with someone, you’re letting them know that you don’t allow certain behaviors or treatment. Learn more about how to protect your boundaries in a previous post.

Creating clear consequences for certain behaviors lets the other person know what actions you will take if they continue to treat you or talk to you disrespectfully.

Catch the other person off guard with a backlash

Apply the Faina Ranevskaya method, “He’s evil to you – and you give him candy,” using politeness, flattery, and compliments. Often the exact opposite emotional response to anger and anger is very disarming to the enemy. The very act of kindness changes the course of things. “I appreciate your point of view,” “You have such kind and loving eyes, your alter ego is most likely speaking right now.”

Smile and laugh

Why respond to an accusation when you can just divert attention with humor? Not sarcasm or ridicule, but specifically good empathic humor. People will be embarrassed to make you laugh and will see that you are comfortable with yourself and what other people say about you doesn’t really matter.

What will help when talking to a rude interlocutor

• Listen to what the other person is saying and accept, acknowledge and emphasize the positive aspects of what is being said without downplaying the negative.
• Demonstrate understanding and empathize with the person by reflecting, clarifying and summarizing their thoughts and feelings.
• Avoid any expressions of force, such as: “You need to calm down.”
• Encourage the other person to take responsibility for their behavior and channel it into more creative or positive forms, e.g., by making a written complaint rather than verbally criticizing someone/something.

Modern psychology and conflictology have developed a variety of systems for preventing and resolving interpersonal conflicts, with the help of which a person can neutralize, or even abandon altogether, such a defense mechanism as displacement.