Why aren’t you living the life you want? Instructions to make yourself heard

practicing psychologist, teacher of the online school of psychological professions “Psychodemia”

“Making yourself known to the world is often not easy. Starting a blog, speaking publicly, or simply telling a loved one how you feel – all of this can be equally scary and uncomfortable. Let’s explore why we are afraid to open up to others and what we should do to overcome this fear.”

Manifesting ourselves in the world – acting to express values, emotions, and achieve goals that are important to us. It is crucial for personal growth and development, as well as for creating more genuine and deeper connections with others. When we can “show up,” it means we are capable of two important things: accepting negative feedback from the outside and dealing with our inner critic.

How do you figure out if a person is manifesting?

Let’s look at examples. How do people who are “manifested” live, and how do those who have not yet decided to take this step differ from them?

Example #1. Manifested person

• Tanya, 30 years old, web designer, works in freelancing.
• Has five years of experience and a client base.
• Has been blogging about her work for three years.
• She last raised the price tag on her services six months ago. It is now 20% higher than the average cost in the market.

Raising her fees was exciting, but she realized her work was worth the money. When faced with difficult clients, Tanya can defend herself and her work, but she is always ready to dialog. She knows her strengths and weaknesses.

This girl is confident in her personal strength and professionalism. She does not accept rudeness on the part of customers. She keeps a successful blog and evaluates her work relevant to its quality.

Example #2: There are difficulties with manifestation

• Sasha, 23, psychologist, self-employed.
• Started working with clients two years ago.
• Has five to seven clients per week. Is short on money and afraid to raise the price tag.

Considers himself a novice and feels insecure about the quality of his services. Is afraid to blog and look for clients. “Who am I for this?!” – Sasha thinks.

This young man doubts himself and his abilities. Yes, he may not be a super-professional, but these doubts are so great that he is afraid to declare himself as a specialist.

Example #3. Manifestation is not only about work

• Katya, 45 years old, housewife.
• She has been married for 20 years, has two children.
• For the last two years she has been feeling the deterioration of her relationship with her husband, she is afraid to talk to him about problems in her relationship.

Katya increasingly thinks about divorce, but keeps the marriage for the sake of her children. She is afraid to talk to her husband about her desires, anxieties and worries. Dissatisfaction with the relationship is building up. Thoughts of divorce are something like an escape plan from a hopeless situation.

All of these cases, of course, simplify reality, but they help us see what “manifestation” is and why it is so important. A person has the right within their life to openly state personal feelings and evolve. The fear of receiving negative feedback should not stop him.

Why is it scary to manifest?

What in the cases described above, where there is fear of manifestation (Sasha and Katya), can be identified as its causes?

1. High level of self-criticism. Sasha is very critical of his work. He is sure: you have to be a psychology guru to find clients. Attention, questions: “How is a guru defined?”, “Is everything really that bad for Sasha?”. Perhaps his inner critic is being too hard on him?
2. Fear of negative feedback. If we say about ourselves “I am good at X”, it puts a certain obligation on us. It becomes scary to get criticism from colleagues or clients. After all, if you are a specialist, you can’t be wrong! That’s how a person thinks.
3. Fear of destroying relationships. Our life experience and upbringing broadcast the following: be patient, do not fight, otherwise the relationship will be destroyed. And this rule works not only with bosses, but also with close people (as in Katya’s case). Such fear prevents us from being honest, discussing difficulties in relationships and eventually destroys them.

Sincerity and showing up do imply vulnerability, as American researcher Brené Brown wrote and talked about it. To avoid criticism, shame and “relationship destruction”, we hide “in the house”. We shut up and decide it’s better to sit in the shadows than face negativity. We end up robbing ourselves of career opportunities, the chance to improve relationships with loved ones, and other positive prospects.

How do you start manifesting?

Manifesting is a skill, not an innate ability. It can be practiced, in spite of fear and all the arguments “against” that arise in response to your new ideas and desires.

1. Remember self-efficacy and develop it

Albert Bandura, a researcher of learning and aggression, also tackled the topic of self-efficacy. He wondered, “How does the performance of an individual, a couple, or a group change depending on their self-perception?”

As a result of his research, Bandura found that those who believe in their own strengths perform better in their activities. So celebrate what you do well, ask for feedback, and don’t be afraid to ask for support from your loved ones.

2. Develop tolerance to criticism

Every professional faces criticism. Conduct a little experiment to test this statement. Think of your favorite actor or musician. Type his or her name and the word “criticism” into an Internet search engine. You’ll find that even someone you admire or recognize faces negative evaluations of his or her work. The important thing is that this does not prevent him from being someone who evokes sympathy.

Request criticism regularly and soon you will notice that it begins to cause less and less anxiety and fear, no longer destroying you as a specialist.

3. Try talking about your feelings

If you are not used to having conversations about feelings with your loved ones, start talking about something small, gradually increasing the “dose” of sincere conversations. You can talk about the benefits of such sincerity and encourage them to share their feelings in return. Try not to accuse, but simply talk about your feelings.

Remember that manifesting really can’t be a simple and linear path to success and happiness. But it is a part of it. If you see it as a skill, it is indeed realistic to develop. Slowly but surely. You yourself are capable of creating a world where manifesting is easy.