“I felt like everyone was looking at me with judgment.” How fat girls feel at the gym

Polly Harrison, a young writer from Wales, has been overweight all her life. She set out to lose weight and before she even stepped foot in a gym, she had a big problem in her head. She told British publication The Sun about how women in body actually feel in the gym.

I heard nasty comments about my weight, it seemed like everyone was laughing at me.

I was standing on the treadmill surrounded by pumped up and fit girls. My heart was jumping out of my chest, but not from the workout. With my size 62, I was the biggest woman in the gym and I felt like everyone was looking at me with judgment.

I had always been large because I ate a lot and didn’t exercise at all. As a teenager, I was ashamed of my body and didn’t weigh myself on purpose. When I was 13, I was already wearing a size 50-52. My parents supported me when I tried to lose weight – they cooked me healthy food, but diets never worked.

I had close friends, but still heard unpleasant comments about my weight. Once in gym class, female classmates made fun of me. Another time, a boy said he would never date a fat girl like me. Those words hurt, and every time someone laughed around me, I thought they were laughing at me. By the time I got to university, when I turned 18, I was already wearing a size 56.

I felt like when I walked into the classroom, all eyes were on me. I was a quiet girl, mostly kept to myself, but I did go on a couple of dates. And I panicked because I thought guys were judging my body.

Whenever I’d get worked up about my looks or my studies, I’d soothe myself with food. Chocolate, candy, and street food were my weakness. At the same time, my weight made me ashamed to even go out for a run, let alone cross the threshold of the gym.

I got my degree in 2017 and returned to my parent’s house, squashing down to a size 62. At 170, I weighed 165 pounds – more than I had ever weighed before, hated my reflection in the mirror, and couldn’t even walk up the stairs without panting.

I knew I needed to lose weight, our family doctor agreed with me. I had tried newfangled diets that promised quick weight loss, but they didn’t work. I needed physical activity, especially since I had found a job as a receptionist and spent all day in a sedentary position.

It gave me the creeps thinking the exercise machine would collapse under my weight, but I ran.

So in March 2019, I joined a gym. Thank goodness they had a women-only branch there, but still I was throwing cold sweats at the thought of having to go there. One survey showed that I wasn’t the only one – one in four women avoid gyms for fear of reprimand. I bought a new set of gym clothes to boost my confidence and set my alarm for seven in the morning.

Walking into the gym, I lowered my eyes, hoping no one was staring at me as I climbed onto the treadmill. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of the machine collapsing under my weight, but I ran.

Everyone around me was thinner than me, and I was worried about people looking at my flabby arms, but I exercised for an hour anyway. I even managed to do an abs exercise, and no one laughed in my face when I paused to regain my breath. At the end of the hour-long workout, I was relieved and went straight home to take a shower. There was no way I could have changed in the locker room.

At work that day I was feeling proud of myself, my blood endorphin levels were off the charts after my workout. The next trip to the gym was not so intimidating anymore. One girl even came up to me and praised me for my efforts. I started going to the gym three times a week and now I try to eat more fruits and vegetables instead of chocolate bars and chips.

I now know that there is no shame in being the fattest girl in the gym.

I’ve lost 12 pounds – down to a size 58 – and I feel more fit. I can even do push-ups now – before I thought I’d never be able to do them. Sometimes I need to say something encouraging to myself before a workout. If I feel insecure, I always remember plus size model Tess Holliday and singer Lizzo. They too are athletic and have successful careers.

Coming face to face with my fear of the gym did wonders for my self-esteem. I got a boyfriend and we’ve been dating for nine months. His name is Thomas, we met online and he supports me in everything. I’ve also done an MA in journalism and moved to Nottingham.
My arms are still flabby and wobbly when I move and I blush easily, but now I know there’s no shame in being the fattest girl in the gym.