How does fear of failure ruin our lives? 5 steps to overcome it

Certified psychologist, member of the International Association of Psychologists, author of the Soul Therapy method

“Fear is a powerful adaptation mechanism that allows the psyche to keep us safe in critical situations. In our time, the causes of anxiety are often related not to real physical threats, but to social pressure, other people’s or our own negative experiences. The same type of phobia includes the fear of failure. Let’s find out why it occurs and how to cope with it”.

To a greater or lesser extent, each of us has a fear of failure. One is afraid of failing an exam, and another is afraid of going from recruitment to business. However, the impact of this fear on our lives can vary. For some, it becomes a barrier, preventing them from developing and causing them to turn down promising opportunities. In some cases, it develops into atychiphobia – a pathological and uncontrollable fear of failure.

Where does the fear of failure come from?

Insecurity

Phobias do not come from the outside. They are sometimes the result of internal processes of self-blame and self-punishment. Conflicts and depression that result from low self-esteem form the foundation for a constant fear of difficulty.

Traumatic experiences from childhood

For example, a failed performance in a competition or a failed attempt to please loved ones with a gift made by their own hands. These seemingly insignificant events cause the child feelings of guilt and shame. They can accompany him in the future.

Childhood traumas form a program of negative expectations, where any event is perceived as potentially unpleasant. As a result, as an adult, the person suffers from low self-esteem and chooses an avoidance strategy to avoid facing a repetition of past experiences.

Family or national history

For the last 100 years, our ancestral history has been associated with severe upheaval and transformation. Repression and the practice of whistle-blowing in the last century, when even the smallest mistake could cost a person and their loved ones their lives, shaped a collective belief: “it is better to keep a low profile.” It is passed down through generations, cementing in the genetic memory of descendants the fear of failure and wrong steps.

Environment

Our psyche is malleable. Once in an unfavorable environment, for example, in a toxic team at school or work, we begin to unconsciously adjust to the rules accepted in it. Strict hierarchy, control and punishment for any deviation from the norm, which are inherent in such “anti-systems”, form the fear of initiative and making a mistake.

Perfectionism

It is often associated with childhood traumas and the desire to prove oneself to parents. Perfectionists strive for perfect relationships, work and environment. However, reality is far from perfect. Any discrepancies between what is desired and what is real cause the perfectionist to become frustrated, anxious, and less motivated to take on important endeavors.

Fear of success

This is the flip side of the fear of failure. Why does it arise? Some people fear success because it requires making life changes, expanding their social circle, and taking on more complex tasks that require high levels of responsibility for their actions.

How do you deal with the fear of failure? 5 steps

1. Work through traumatic situations

Think about what events in the past became the ground for the formation of fear. This may be a lack of recognition from adults in childhood or suppression of wants and needs in adulthood. Analyze these situations on your own or with a psychologist. This way you will be able to rethink your beliefs and start taking initiative without fear of mistakes and defeats.

2. Change your attitude to rejections and mistakes

Try to look at them in a new way. Many of us perceive mistakes and rejections as failure. But in reality, a mistake is just the process of deviating from a desired outcome.

When we project new goals, we don’t know for sure how we should achieve them. We don’t have a ready-made algorithm for guaranteed success. Making mistakes – searching for working ways to fulfill the set tasks.

This is an integral and necessary stage, without which there will be no development and accumulation of useful experience. If you want to be in the present and build the future – prepare to make mistakes and learn to “live” your mistakes.

3. Concentrate on actions, not emotions

Often we put the fact of what happened “on the same level” with the emotions that we live at that moment. Failure, as well as error, is only a quantitative and qualitative deviation from the goal. Emotions, on the other hand, reflect the evaluation we give to what is happening, to ourselves and to others.

It is important to distinguish and separate these two aspects. Any failure is a reason to work on your mistakes, adjust your behavior and processes to achieve the result, and not to beat yourself up or get into impulsive disputes with other people. Try to focus not on emotions, but on solving the problem.

4. Overcome the fear of being punished

Often the fear of failure is inextricably linked to the fear of punishment. To see if you have it, ask yourself certain questions:

• “What kind of punishment am I expecting?”

• “Am I punishing myself?”

• “Does it affect my self-esteem?”

By answering them, you will be able to better understand what caused your fear of failure and distance yourself from it.

5. Research your family history

Studying your family history will prevent you from repeating the mistakes of past generations. It is important to take into account the difference in historical context. Our ancestors had different cultural and moral values. These influenced their behavior and decision making. If you see what cataclysms and upheavals your relatives had to cope with, you will be calmer to accept defeats and failures.