What is perfectionism and how to get rid of it - psychologist's advice

Is striving for an ideal good or bad? It seems that we are talking about the path of development and constant self-improvement. But, alas, there are pitfalls. Sometimes it is this desire that hinders progress. What is perfectionism and how to fight it? Let’s find out together with an expert.

PhD in Psychology, founder of the online school of psychological professions “Psychodemia”.

Perfectionism is the desire for perfection, which manifests itself in different spheres of our lives. It can be total. In this case, a person tries to achieve perfection in everything. Or it can be limited to some specific areas. For example, a person makes excessive demands to himself in work or everyday life, perhaps in relation to his own appearance.

Standards of ideality here are subjective, that is, they depend on a person’s own ideas about good. But they can change over time, often becoming even higher.

I propose to deal with this topic in detail.

In fact, different people can manifest perfectionism in their own way. For example, someone is generally able to calmly tolerate nonconformity to the ideal, but still strive hard to achieve it. And for someone any deviation from their own high standards becomes a reason for suffering, obsessive thought.

Some people make more demands on their skills and abilities, others – on formal, visible results. There are those who consider their perfectionism a strength and are not ready to give it up. And some are quite aware of the negative consequences of having this trait and try to fight it. All of these scenarios can occur.

In other words, there is no single portrait of perfectionism. It has many faces and incarnations that are sometimes difficult to recognize. What are some tell-tale signs?

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How do you realize it’s about you?

One of the most important signs of perfectionism is a feeling of shame for your own inconsistency with the idea of the proper. You want to fall through the ground, hide and disappear if something suddenly does not go according to plan.

A person may feel that he is worthless or defective. Yet, in some situations, he may not feel shame because he puts a lot of effort into trying to meet his standards. A lot of time and resources go into maintaining the status quo. But when he thinks about a misstep, a mistake, a setback, the feeling of worthlessness will instantly surface.

In addition to shame, a person can feel guilt. It’s as if a critic is sitting inside, saying, “You’re not trying hard enough,” “You can always do better,” “Look at (name), he (she) is doing better than you.” This inner voice is often background. The person does not notice it. It is like a natural habitat that one gets used to, but inevitably feels the consequences of being in it.

If non-compliance with high standards concerns external phenomena – other people, their behavior, some situations – a person usually feels anger, irritation, or powerlessness because of the impossibility to correct everything. People with pronounced perfectionism often want to remake everything around them. Including those around them. They need everything to function “right” and “well”. Of course, according to their own ideas of right and good.

This can affect relationships with other people. For example, parents with high expectations of themselves often broadcast them to their children. Or one partner may constantly blame the other for not meeting their own expectations until the accumulated tension leads to a breakup.

What is behind perfectionism?

These perceptions are often learned behaviors. It is not uncommon for a person to exhibit perfectionism in areas where they have been controlled and criticized by adults. At the same time, he feels at ease where his development took place in conditions of freedom.

For example, if from childhood a child hears requirements to be excellent in studies, he is more likely to show perfectionism in this sphere. And, for example, in everyday life will behave sloppily. And vice versa, those who were forced by their parents to endlessly tidy up their rooms, but did not particularly control their studies, may show excessive demand for order in the home. At the same time, they will perform their work quite negligently.

For some people, perfectionism becomes a global way of existence, permeating all spheres. Usually sensitive, less stable natures are prone to this. The point is that through control over themselves and the outside world, they try to cope with their anxiety. This becomes a kind of support for them, which helps them to cope with their emotions. It can be very difficult for them to give up perfectionism, because their sense of security rests on it.

Some people confuse perfectionism with obsession. In principle, they are really close phenomena. For example, the desire to arrange or align objects in physical space can be understood as perfectionism about things.

People post pictures on the internet with the caption “Perfectionist’s Hell” where the symmetry of space or coherent composition is broken. In many people who have inflated standards, this manifestation can indeed be present. But when we talk about personal perfectionism, we mean something else. Namely – the desire to do everything in the best possible way, carefully and in accordance with internal requirements.

What is the danger of perfectionism?

It can be both a stimulus for personal development and a strong block in achieving any goals. Perfectionism paralysis is a state when a person deep down prefers to do nothing than to do badly.

Lack of the right to make mistakes and imperfection can prevent one from developing and learning in new areas, closes many opportunities for positive risk-taking. As a result, it impoverishes a person’s life and narrows the range of possibilities. People often talk about feeling trapped in a golden cage. Everything in it is clear and good enough, but there is little freedom and overall it feels stuffy.

Perfectionism can lead to the destruction of relationships. Especially with those people who do not share such beliefs. In the family it sometimes looks like a constant battle for made beds and clean floors, at work – as a painful development of the project.

Where speed is more important than quality and there is little need to try, perfectionism will be ineffective. For example, such people are prone to delay the completion of a task that the customer has labeled as “do it somehow.” This can cause reasonable dissatisfaction, even if the result is good.

How to fight perfectionism?

You should not try to fight perfectionism “head-on”. After all, it is based on our natural desire for development, albeit hypertrophied. It is important to mitigate the negative effects of perfectionism. And it doesn’t help to say that the ideal is unattainable.

Here’s what’s really important:

Learning to tolerate the shame of imperfection. It can be so corrosive and unpleasant that it is easier for a person to give up all efforts to achieve the result than to plunge into this feeling. But there is no such need. Shame is just an emotion. It has a beginning and an end. Experiencing shame is neither harmful nor dangerous.
Become kinder to yourself. The perfectionist is the worst personal critic. He always sees all his shortcomings. More often than not, his demands on himself exceed the assessment of any outside observer. It is important to learn to stop the critic and turn to the other part of yourself. The one that is kind to people, accepts their imperfections and forgives faults. If you treat others with understanding, then you have the skill of support and acceptance. Incorporate it in relation to your own accomplishments and results.
Work with anxiety. If perfectionism becomes a way to control your emotionality, then it’s the emotionality that needs to be worked on, not the perfectionism. It is important to learn how to calm yourself, manage your states, and better understand your personal sensitivity.
Learn to appreciate any progress. Often people with pronounced perfectionism tend to devalue small achievements. All or nothing – this is how their attitude towards results is formulated. Meanwhile, big results are made up of small steps. If you do something a little better, faster, easier today than you did yesterday, you are already moving in the right direction. It’s important to recognize these accomplishments, not write them off.
Develop spontaneity. Start doing some things without expecting a certain result. It is important that it brings pleasure in the process, but in the end it was completely useless. This is a good prevention of increased control and allows you to ventilate the golden cells of perfectionism.