Anxious type of attachment in a relationship: what it is, signs, causes, how to get rid of

Master of Psychology, practicing psychologist, Psychedemia expert

“Do you want to figure out why you behave in relationships in one way or another? What makes you choose certain partners, play the same scenarios with them, conflicts, arrange night conversations in an attempt to find mutual understanding? Finding the answer to this question refers us to the theory of attachment types.”

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What are the types of attachment and what does it depend on?

Attachment in this case is a basic instinct that an infant needs to provide security, comfort and protection through proximity to and emotional connection with a stable, reliable adult.

Depending on the child’s temperament and personality traits, and whether there was an involved emotionally available parent or relative around during adulthood, and what early relationships were formed with all important adults, a person may develop one of two types of attachment:

secure;
some type of insecure (anxious, avoidant, or anxious-avoidant).

For example, if a calm yet emotionally sensitive child is born into a family, and the child is required to take decisive actions, achieve serious results in studies or sports, is controlled, placed in stressful conditions without parental support, and forbidden to express emotions (or simply ignored), we are likely to get an adult with an avoidant type of attachment. The person will withdraw into himself and will not trust anyone for the rest of his life.

If a very contact, emotional child is born into a family, but his mom (or other adults with whom most bond) can’t regularly be there for him and emotionally support him, he will probably become angry with her, cry, not let go, hold on to her. This is how the anxious attachment type can manifest.

The type of attachment will then affect all relationships in our lives, especially close ones. On how we regulate the distance, behave in conflicts, feel and react when we feel threatened by the loss of connection with the partner and his good attitude, how confidently we explore the world around us and feel the inner support.

Therefore, knowing about what type of behavior is characteristic of you in a relationship is essential. Of course, if you want to build them consciously. But it is important to realize that absolutely pure options do not exist. In different relationships, the same adults can behave as representatives of different types of attachment.

“Insecure” is characterized by feeling secure and trusting in their feelings and other people, getting close to them. They feel good both alone and in contact with others. It is not difficult for them to separate and do their own things, and then return to the relationship without losing their emotional connection.

They believe they are loved and feel it from their partner. Have a stable self-esteem, are not afraid of criticism, which allows them to build a long satisfying relationship without scandals, checks, secrets, manipulation and emotional swings.

It’s easy for the reliable type to show empathy and caring toward loved ones. During quarrels, it is easier for them not to go into deaf defense, but to continue to hear the partner and even apologize and admit their wrongdoing. Because in childhood their emotions and needs were more heard and satisfied in time.

Learn more about the secure type of attachment HERE.

“Insecure” has been taught by life that it is dangerous to trust someone, because you can face the experience of abandonment and helplessness. As a child, it was tantamount to death. Therefore, untrustworthy types choose different ways to control their feelings and the speed of getting close to another person in order to keep themselves safe.

“Avoidant types” often choose to keep everything to themselves. They don’t trust anyone. They try to always rely only on themselves and not get too attached. They keep their distance. Their self-image and behavior can often be described as overly independent and selfish, and they will treat others with suspicion and distrust.

“Anxious-avoidant” have all the properties of the anxious type, which we will discuss in detail below, but they try to get out of the relationship first, abandoning their partner before they leave it. They tend to resort to demonstrative avoidance and silence after conflicts, as if switching to the counter-dependent distant protective behavior of avoiders.

Some sources also refer to anxious avoiders as people who have suffered physical, psychological, or sexualized violence. They simultaneously feel that they themselves are unworthy of love as anxious and do not trust their partner as avoidant.

People with an anxious attachment type do not feel secure in relationships. They do not trust their partner’s feelings, are not sure of the reliability of the union, and to a greater extent – in themselves. This type of attachment is based on anxiety about contact. People here want to be in co-dependent fusion with their partner all the time, they cannot get enough of their partner’s love and presence. This is due to inconsistent attention from adults, when the child does not know if loved ones will respond to his or her call, and does not understand what it depends on.

This can occur during parental work absences and other difficulties in life (poverty, unstable conditions) that affect the success of maintaining emotional well-being within the family.

All of these factors create an inner insecurity in the child about the reliability of the bond with his parents. He believes that he is not worthy to receive love. There is a need to keep the parent close by any means necessary.

Therefore, people with an anxious type of attachment may constantly want confirmation of feelings. They are hard to tolerate quarrels and want to immediately find out the cause of the spat. Can control and even pursue the partner for fear that they will be abandoned at any moment and without explanation.

The main signs of anxious attachment

Let’s look at the main signs of the anxious attachment type. How does it manifest itself in relationships with other people and with yourself?

Behavior in relationships

An acute thirst for closeness, attention and contact.
The need for constant affirmation of feelings and approval from the partner, the inability to trust and calm down.
Constant attempts to become better, to earn love, to please the partner.
Strong involvement in the relationship, sometimes with loss of connection to other areas of life. Lots of thoughts about the relationship.
Panicked fear of loneliness and abandonment.
Idealization of the partner (most of the time).
Jealousy.
Hypersensitivity and paying close attention to nonverbal signals of a person’s mood changes.
Attempting to manage anxiety by controlling the partner: calls, texts, checking social media.
Difficulty in withstanding the lack of response, the need for constant availability of the other half.
During conflicts, an acute need to clarify what is happening here and now, severe stress from the closedness and estrangement of the partner.
The accumulation of tension and dissatisfaction with the partner, leading to an explosion of resentment.

Attitude

Deep feelings of unworthiness of love, insecurity, victimization.
Belittling oneself (most of the time).
Self-centered thinking: “If my partner is upset or angry, it’s because of me. If he wants to be alone, it’s because there is something wrong with me or our relationship.”

Causes of attachment anxiety

Besides physical and emotional availability, involvement and consistency of parents (as well as other important adults) in caring for and nurturing the child, there are other factors that cause the anxious attachment type to form.

The presence of any traumatic experience.
Emotional sensitivity.
Experience of addictions in parents and close relatives (or in the person with an anxious attachment type himself).

Parents’ attachment types and their relationship to each other can also be influential. If both mom and dad are located to the child, but with each other use manipulation, any kind of psychological violence and neglect, then the child’s psyche will assimilate these patterns of behavior. A person will reproduce them with other close people when he grows up.

How does the anxious type affect a person’s life?

The type of attachment in a relationship can have a very big impact on a person’s entire life. Since it is related to both external relationships and self-esteem, it affects both psychological well-being and self-understanding.

People with an anxious attachment type can be very obsequious, trying to please. And they are also capable of being intrusive, jealous, and violating distance.
They can be emotionally unstable, prone to manipulation, regular thorough elucidation of relationships. All this can not help but create stressful situations and chaos, which again and again forms in the life and relationships of such people.
Because of weak self-reliance and low self-esteem “anxious” can repeatedly enter into co-dependent relationships, where they will be emotionally dependent on the partner, losing themselves. They will reproduce psychologically dysfunctional patterns of behavior themselves, leading to the destruction of the relationship and distancing of the partner.
Because of poor contact with themselves, they have an increased risk of personal crisis and depressive states (due to lack of understanding of their desires and their dissatisfaction). Together with poorly developed emotional self-regulation skills, this can make them very vulnerable to mental, psychosomatic and stress-related illnesses.

How to correct the anxious attachment type?

So, people who were given care, support and emotional response by their loved ones as children receive many lifelong gifts:

The opportunity for sustained safe emotional intimacy with a partner;
confidence in themselves and their abilities;
the inner permission to feel and receive love;
the opportunity to develop themselves and thrive in life;
the joy of being open and genuine, while knowing how to assert boundaries, say no, and defend ourselves.

But what if our experience was not like this? Is it possible to adjust the type of attachment? Yes.

Attachment type is not an immutable personality characteristic. However, without any intervention, this structure is very stable. About 70-80% of people live without significant changes in attachment type over time. The task of correcting it is perfectly handled by psychotherapy.

Changes in attachment are realized by learning the skills of emotional self-regulation, reflection and self-support. As well as gaining experience of secure, stable and consistent relationships. With a psychologist – in therapy. With friends and partners – in real life.

In therapy the client literally “grows up” some parts of his psyche, learns to be a loving and sensitive parent towards himself. This means that he/she begins to notice, name and constructively express his/her emotions and feelings, as well as to identify, respect and fulfill emerging needs in a timely manner.

In cognitive-behavioral therapy, for example, there are practices of keeping a mood diary that notes its level throughout the day on a scale of -4 to +4.

In the case of an anxious type of attachment, such observation can help to notice triggering moments in relationships and life, which trigger the very desire to impulsively call, write, run to the partner to clarify relations. And then you need to learn to live it in other ways, on your own.

Exercise “Diary of Emotions, Internal Criticism and Approval”

Another excellent exercise for working through the anxious attachment type is also an emotion diary, but it consists of four other items: emotions for the day, criticism, gratitude/approval, and “loving parent”.

1- Emotions for the day

A description of the entire day from morning to evening with the name of the emotions experienced.

For example:

“Woke up feeling sad and anxious, resisting because thoughts about work tasks came up. Then remembered about meeting friends and felt excited. Had breakfast, felt a little anxiety, irritation, tension from rushing.” Etc.

For convenience, you can type “list of emotions” in a search engine and work from it.

2. Critic

In this item, you need to write down all the criticism that has sounded in your head during the day to start noticing its impact.

For example:

“Today the critic scolded me for not working hard enough. Scared me that I won’t succeed, that I have few accomplishments in my life, I’m poor, I don’t look good, I’ll die alone.” Etc.

3. acknowledgements and commendations

Here we write what you are grateful to yourself and the world and people around you for.

For this day, for your behavior (useful or not so useful), achievements. It is important that you accept and approve of everything. As a loving, caring and indulgent parent.

For example:

“I am grateful for the nice weather, for an interesting TV show. I approve of myself for going to practice, for feeding myself, for not going to “sacrifice.” I accept myself for being discouraged, for surfing the internet, for being helpless. I accept my body, myself at my current weight.” Etc.

4. Loving Parent

Here we write a loving parent’s address to ourselves with support, warmth and understanding.

For example:

“Dear “your name” (you can use a comfortable form of your name here, perhaps a diminutive form), I love you very much, you are fine. I’m proud of how responsible you are in taking care of your mental health. Thank you for that! You are very important to me. I will always be there for you, I will never leave you. We’ll get through everything. Thank you for investing in your future every day. You’ve become a great professional! You’re going to be happy and in demand. You have everything you need for that.” Etc.

People with an anxious type of attachment often come to therapy with the following requests: “I am constantly worried about the relationship”, “I feel insecure about my partner’s love”, “I want more initiative from my partner, more intensive communication and rapprochement, but he does not”, “I want to keep my partner, to fall in love with him”.

It is possible to come to a reliable type of interaction even if both partners, as it often happens, have manifestations of insecure types of attachment.

For example, an anxious woman and an avoidant man can learn to:

talk about their feelings and needs directly and gently, without reticence or passive or defensive aggression;
successfully balance the glue that is so necessary for anxious partners and the distance and privacy that is vital for avoidant partners;
unite in two-person quarrels against the problem, rather than destroying each other;
take responsibility for themselves and for the relationship, without exaggerating or downplaying their importance, that is, to move from co-dependent anxious and counter-dependent avoidant behavior to independent and optimal for long-term happy relationships – interdependent.

This is possible in individual therapy with one or each partner, as well as in couples and family psychotherapy.

Also, depending on the client’s unique personality structure and life history, work with the effects of traumatic experiences, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and other co-occurring difficulties may be necessary.

An important part of the work is also finding your own life orientations and values, understanding what kind of person you are, where and why you are moving through life, regardless of the presence or absence of romantic partners.

Having acquaintances, friends, family, coworkers, and a partner with a predominantly secure attachment type around you, and simply having a good support system, can speed up the course of therapy.

Why is it important to know your attachment type, and why is it worth working on it if it is found to be “insecure”?

Humans are biosocial beings. Our whole life consists of interaction with other people, and it is one of the basic needs of the psyche. Therefore, knowledge about attachment types and their characteristics can help solve and anticipate many problems in child-parent, romantic relationships and individual development.