How to stop worrying about things you can’t control? Tips from a psychologist

personal and family psychologist

“The fast pace of life and multitasking is a great challenge to our psyche, which provokes feelings of anxiety and worry. Some people try to control all areas of life and lose contact with their feelings and true desires.”

Why do you want to control everything?

Control is a way that helps us feel safe. People feel that in this way they can insure themselves against unpleasant surprises. If they are in control of something, they will know exactly how it will turn out – that’s how thinking works.

What scares us most is the unknown, because we are thinking up scary scenarios for the coming events. In fear, each person’s trigger thoughts are turned on. We are frightened by things we can’t handle, things that make us helpless.

What’s important to understand here? Control is an illusion. You can never have a guarantee that everything will go according to plan and nothing bad will happen. However, if control helps us think several steps ahead, it has a positive impact on our lives. For example, if a person is ready for different variants of events and can take responsibility for the possible consequences of decisions, then this is an adult approach to life.

One should be able to trust the world and adapt to changes, as well as remove clear-cut expectations. I would like to point out that in most cases anxiety is not based on real reasons, but on our ideas about the future.

Who is at risk of becoming a “control freak”?

The most common cause of hypercontrol is a difficult family environment during childhood. For example, if the parents had problems with alcohol. In this case, the child had to take care of himself and make sure that nothing happened to his parents in an inadequate state. Perhaps the child had to control his every step and word so that he would not be physically or psychologically abused.

Also, hypercontrol appears if the parents had an unstable emotional state and the child did not understand how the mother would react to a certain situation. She could calmly relate to some problem, and at other times yell at the same place. This applies to demanding parents who controlled every step of the child. The baby was afraid to say something and show his emotions, because adults deprived him of attention and love for the slightest misbehavior.

In addition, the anxiety and overactivity of the parents themselves can be inherited by their children. Even if it is not spoken aloud, on a non-verbal level the child reads: “The world is not safe.” Such a kid grows up early because he has to watch himself and the environment around him, and it’s as if the parents can’t handle it.

It’s hypercontrol if:

• you have trouble adjusting to a change of plans;
• you have frequent anxiety with no real danger to your life or health;
• you have high expectations of yourself;
• there’s tension in the body;
• there is a frequent attempt to anticipate everything.

How to get rid of hypercontrol and anxiety?

Such people need to separate the things they can control from those outside their control. It is important to realize that most external events are beyond our control. We can only be responsible for our own reactions and actions.

You need to learn to shift your attention to an area that you can control. You need to work on relaxing your body and watching your reactions.

It is important to be able to turn your head off and just be present, to learn to hear yourself. Dedicate ten minutes of time before bed to scan every cell in your body and relax it with attention. The body stores in its memory many of our reactions. You can change the attitudes in your head endlessly, but until comprehensive work begins, these reactions will show up.

It is also important to work with anxiety and make yourself a self-help “suitcase” with exercises that will help you in stressful situations. Think back to your successful experiences in the past more often. Learn to cope with anxiety the moment it hits you. For example, you can perform breathing techniques.

If it is difficult to deal with hypercontrol and anxiety on your own, it is important to seek professional help. Personal work will help you gain a sense of security and trust in the world around you.

How to quickly calm down in a stressful situation?

It is possible to calm down quickly in stressful situations, even by doing simple everyday things. The important point here is that they must be done consciously, with immersion in the senses. For example, when you wash dishes, pay attention to how the water flows, what temperature it is, how your hands feel the surface of the plate. This way you can shift your attention from external thoughts to internal sensations. This method helps to cope with anxiety in the here and now.

Everyone can choose for himself any household activity that will help him to turn off bad thoughts and concentrate only on actions and on his sensations.

Also try to visualize that your difficult situation or problem has ended in the most positive way. This will help you relax and shift your focus away from the negative.