Gaslighting: what it is in simple words, examples, signs, how to recognize and fight

psychologist, gestalt therapist, expert at Psychodemia.

“Imagine: you get up in the morning, go to the bathroom to brush your teeth and see a new tube of toothpaste. Yesterday it was still half used, and today – untouched. But you know for a fact that no one bought it. You go to the kitchen in bewilderment. And there are other curtains. And so it goes regularly: something is always subtly changing around you. What do you do? Probably, for starters, discuss it with loved ones. If you dare at all: what if they take you for a lunatic? The same thing happens with gaslighting.”

This is how the heroine of the movie “Gaslight” (Gaslight, 1944) felt. Her husband decided to get rid of his wife by trying to drive her crazy. Actually, from the title of this movie came the term “gaslighting”.

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Let’s talk about

What is gaslighting?

For a long time, the word “gaslighting” was used mainly by psychiatrists. But it was considered colloquial, unprofessional. It meant “deliberate suggestion” and was caught in studies on schizophrenia.

But in 2022, “gaslighting” suddenly became the word of the year, according to the compilers of Webster’s Dictionary. How did it happen? Users consulted the online dictionary about the word “gaslighting” 1740% more often than the previous year. And all because it began to be actively used in popular psychology.

It should be noted, however, that relatively little attention is devoted to this topic in professional literature. Basically, gaslighting is mentioned in a series of other psychological manipulations, from which people went crazy.

So, what is meant by this word now? Gaslighting is a type of psychological abuse, in which the abuser makes the victim believe that her perceptions, worldviews, memories are wrong.

It can manifest itself in different ways: denial of emotions (“You are making yourself up”, “You are always making things up”), facts (“You have misunderstood everything”, “I could not say that”), emphasizing the inadequacy of perception, hinting at mental illness, malaise (“It seems that you need to rest”, “In such a state it is impossible to talk to you”).

Thus, gaslighting hides under the mask of caring – especially about the emotional state of its victim. But in fact, everything is reduced to emphasizing her lack of independence and erroneous judgments. This is done in order to make the victim feel insecure about his feelings, words, and actions and thereby gain complete control over him.

Gaslighting can manifest itself in any relationship: in a couple, family, at work. For example, parents are able to use such psychological manipulation in relation to their child. This phenomenon is quite widespread in professional sports – a highly competitive environment aimed at achievement. Alas, both coaches and athletes resort to gaslighting. Usually coupled with emotional abuse, humiliation, etc.

Another hallmark of gaslighting is its intentionality. In that very 1944 movie, the husband of Ingrid Bergman’s heroine had quite specific intentions – to get rid of his wife and take possession of her property.

In life, it does not always happen that a person inspires something to another, pursuing selfish goals. For example, parents can assure their child that he grows up in care and love. Covering up, for example, domestic violence: Daddy just has a difficult character, he does nothing wrong. Parents hardly know that something is wrong in their family. But for the child they distort the picture deliberately. Otherwise they’d be willing to talk to the child about it.

Of course, there are also cases when parents themselves are afraid to admit that there is something wrong in the family. Then they can say: everyone behaves like this, do not think that others have something different. Thus, by indoctrinating the child with the idea that everything is fine, they are trying to convince themselves first of all.

Gaslighting in relation to children is not always done with the aim of harming them. Quite the opposite. But does that make it any less harmful? Unfortunately, no. The victim can develop serious emotional and psychological problems. For example, depression and suicidal tendencies.

How does gaslighting manifest itself?

I suggest we look at how gaslighting works. I will give a concrete example. This is a case of American colleagues Edward Weinshel and Victor Calef, published in an article in 1981. A whole family went to a psychoanalyst. The children had obvious mental disorders, anxiety. In this case, most likely, hereditary – their mother was an emotionally extremely unstable woman. And the father seemed to be the self-assured pillar of the family.

In the course of long-term psychotherapy, it turned out that he was the one who was screwing up his family. For example, scaring them about the dangers of driving a car. Then the father began to resent the inadequate behavior of relatives, if they paid attention to his risky driving and asked to reduce speed. The wife and children, on the other hand, were quite sure that it was something wrong with them. They sincerely wanted to get better.

Canadian psychologists studied 65 victims of gaslighting to figure out what happens inside these abusive relationships, what actions of the partner make the victim “stuck” in them?

1. Notorious laubombing: when a person immediately after acquaintance begins to actively show himself, give compliments, shower gifts. Alas, such behavior is most often a harbinger of trouble. As a result, the victim feels indebted or gets hooked on the hook of this adoration. She wants to receive it all the time. But what if she is deprived of it?

2- Isolation: the gaslighter highlights to the victim that the people around them are unworthy, causing them to avoid socializing with them. This way they are left alone, without outside observers or anyone to draw her attention to the abnormality of what is happening between them.

3. “Contrast shower” or emotional swings: the behavior of the gaslighter changes unpredictably and dramatically. Then he is incredibly attentive and caring, then suddenly withdraws and becomes angry and rude.

4. insults and accusations: the victim, according to the gaslighter, is guilty of all sins. Even those for which she is not responsible. I once heard such a phrase in my address: “If you think hard enough, you will realize that everything is your fault.” When these words are repeated often enough, almost anyone will believe them.

Why does gaslighting occur?

Weinshel and Calef in their case study describe the childhood of a heroine victim of gaslighting. Her father had been cheating on her mother with his secretary for a long time. At the same time, he categorically denied the betrayal and claimed that his wife was too suspicious and self-involved. Thus, for the heroine the situation of gaslighting has become habitual, learned from childhood.

More often than not, this is what happens in life. Gaslighting turns out to be familiar from previous experience. And for both parties.

According to research, gaslighting is more common in couples where one or both partners have maladaptive personality traits. Among the authors of violence, these are detachment, disinhibition (impulsiveness) and psychoticism. The victimized party has antagonism, i.e., hostility toward others. There are also the same disinhibition and psychoticism. Moreover, these qualities are complementary to each other in a pair.

Gaslighting is often resorted to in order to hide adultery. This situation is very uncomfortable and embarrassing. A person tries not to face this feeling. Then he prefers to suggest to his partner that “nothing is going on”.

But it is also a monstrous situation for the other person. A close person denies any connection on the side – so want to believe him! He looks penetratingly into the eyes, says that everything is all right, calms. But as soon as the partner leaves, suspicions flare up with renewed vigor. It becomes easier to doubt in our own feelings than in the one who is next to us. Because we have a need for trust.

American psychoanalyst Robin Stern, author of a whole book on hidden manipulation, identifies three types of gaslighters: glamorous, good guy and torturer.

The first one’s main weapon is flattery. He seems to give the victim everything she wants: he exalts and admires her. The glamorous gaslighter is elegant and attentive.
The “nice guy” fulfills his own narcissistic needs, and his concern for his partner in the first stage of the relationship is just a way of establishing control.
The tormentor, on the other hand, doesn’t hide much. He shows himself through overt aggression, harsh remarks, criticism in order to cause feelings of despair and helplessness.

How to recognize gaslighting?

From the victim’s point of view, three stages of gaslighting can be distinguished: disbelief, defense and depression. How does it play out? At first, the victim doesn’t believe what the partner says or does. She still has a sense of reality. In the second stage, she tries her best to defend her point of view. The third stage is characterized by depressive thoughts. The victim has already stopped resisting.

In the early stages of a relationship, gaslighting can be much more insidious because there are no tangible signs of emotional abuse. For example, insults, harsh comments, humiliation, or controlling behavior.

The victim has not yet lost touch with reality and realizes that something strange is happening. She has the strength to defend her point of view. At the same time, she feels a desperate lack of the gaslighter’s approval that she so desperately needs. But her partner is behaving so strangely, his remarks so unexpected and unwarranted. This causes feelings of anxiety and confusion.

In the second stage, the victim desperately seeks the gaslighter’s approval. She is anxious to finally be seen and believed. She doesn’t get what she wants. This throws her into more frustration.

Finally, the third stage, the most severe, is depression, which is a direct mental health disorder. The victim tries to live by the rules imposed by the abuser, tries to convince herself that he is right and finally get the much desired approval. But the internal resistance is exhausting, she no longer has the strength to argue and defend herself.

Gaslighting is primarily about feelings. Therefore, in order to recognize it, you need to listen to yourself and your feelings. Check yourself on the checklist below.

Signs of gaslighting

You doubt yourself, don’t believe in your own feelings.
You constantly ask yourself: “Am I too vulnerable?”
Work makes you feel confused and overly stressed.
You apologize frequently (most likely to a gaslighter).
You have thoughts about whether you are good enough as a daughter/wife/co-worker (son/husband/co-worker).
You feel unhappy(s) despite the appearance of well-being.
You primarily rely on your partner’s taste rather than your own when choosing clothes, furnishings, etc.
You justify your partner’s behavior not only to yourself, but also in conversations with friends and family members.
Prefer to hide information about your relationship from your loved ones so as not to cause unnecessary questions.
You feel something wrong, but you don’t understand what it is.
You prefer to lie to your partner to adjust to him, to avoid insults and accusations.
Even the simplest decisions are given to you with difficulty.
You are cautious in conversation even on the most innocuous topics, choosing words.
You are preparing for a meeting with your partner, revising your actions and possible mistakes.
You have a feeling that you used to be a different person: more self-confident, cheerful, relaxed.
You prefer to leave messages to your partner through a secretary to annoy him/her as little as possible.
You feel like you are constantly doing everything wrong.
Your own children try to protect you from your partner.
You are angry at people you have always gotten along with.
Your life has become hopeless and joyless.

It is not necessary that all of the above points occur in every situation. But if at least some of them coincide, you should be wary. It is important to note that this is where the main feature of abusive behavior comes into play. The victim first of all seeks to satisfy the needs of the partner (oriented to his opinion, tastes, etc.), and only then – their own. This is the most important thing that distinguishes a toxic relationship from a healthy one.

It may be that you are not sure what kind of interaction is going on between you and your partner. At the same time, there is a suspicion that he is manipulative. Then it’s helpful to ask him, “What happens if I don’t agree with your point of view?” If the answer will be ultimatum or disabling – unfortunately, we are talking about at least emotional abuse.

How do you combat gaslighting?

The case study in Weinshel and Calef’s article ends with the woman and her children realizing that there is nothing wrong with them. The dysfunctional family falls apart. Finally, everyone finds freedom.

The authors admit that this happens after many months of therapy. Because a lot of effort and time is spent on changing a person’s perspective. After all, once a gaslighter also needed a fair amount of tricks to seduce a victim. It is not easy to change the habitual behavior. So what to do?

Develop a reliance on yourself and your feelings. That’s the hardest thing to do. It’s that reliance that gaslighting undermines. Try grounding techniques, mindfulness. You are the person closest to you. Your reality has a right to exist. It’s important to recognize it.
Talk to people close to you, people you trust. Perhaps they also notice the oddities in your relationship with your partner – get their opinion on this.
Create personal space, take care of yourself. Each of us needs our own space where we feel safe. It should give us the opportunity for privacy. This is critical in a situation where a partner has too much influence.
See a counselor. Perhaps even see a couples therapist together if the partner agrees. It’s not always the case that even the gaslighter himself realizes his contribution to what’s going on in the relationship. But going to personal therapy with the person who is suffering is a necessary minimum.
Keep a journal. This will help to record facts and moments in your life. But don’t get overly involved in double-checking events in your memory. This behavior can also begin to increase anxiety and doubts about reality.

In conclusion, I would like to say that the incredible popularity of the term “gaslighting” has a downside. It is now being used casually and casually. It is very easy to throw a buzzword, thereby explaining to yourself and others what is happening.

It is worth distinguishing ordinary human disagreements and disputes from gaslighting, even if outwardly they may be very similar: the situation looks different for two people. We have all experienced it.

But gaslighting differs from this kind of disagreement in that one partner has to constantly agree with the other. He also needs to consider his point of view on a regular basis.

Thelack of equality is the main distinguishing feature of gaslighting. This is the key to its “effectiveness”: it works only where there is a power imbalance. So you should be on your guard, but do not go beyond the bounds of reason by immediately accusing the other person of emotional abuse.