How to recognize passive aggression? 11 typical signs

Gestalt therapist, Psychedemia expert

“Passive aggression seriously affects a person’s life. It can even destroy relationships. The peculiarity of this way of interaction is that it makes the other person feel somehow uncomfortable, unpleasant. But what exactly is the matter – it is not completely clear. Let’s understand together what passive aggression is and how to recognize it.”

History of the term

The term “passive aggression” appeared during the Second World War. So the American psychiatrist William Menninger described the behavior of soldiers who sabotaged the orders of the command.

The military emphasized their incompetence in every possible way with one single purpose – to get away from them. That was their strategy. They wanted to keep themselves alive. The commander had no choice but to blame himself: “I’m giving orders to people who can’t follow them. But it’s not their fault! It’s my fault.”

This is exactly how we feel when passive aggression is directed at us. We begin to take responsibility for what is happening.

Later, on the basis of a number of signs identified a whole passive-aggressive personality disorder. It is present in the 10th revision of the International Classification of Diseases. But now this diagnosis is not used. There was still not enough data to make it.

At the same time, it should be noted that psychotherapy for people prone to passive aggression, in fact, no different from working with manifested aggressors. What does this mean? It means that passive aggression is nothing but violence. It goes hand in hand with its direct manifestation. Most often people resort to passive aggression only in an unsafe situation – with those who are higher in the hierarchy. With subordinates or housemates, they deploy violence in full force.

What is passive aggression?

Definitions of the term are numerous. Usually this phenomenon is described roughly as follows: “You do not know what passive aggression is? You should.”

But the fact is that this way of interaction is not limited only to words with a hidden message. It can also manifest itself at the level of behavior. Violent action in passive aggression is a combination of detachment and gaslighting.

On the one hand, it is an escape from direct interaction, and on the other hand, the hidden behavior makes the addressee doubt his feelings, thoughts, perception. The aggressor is fueled by the desperation of the aggrieved party, with which she seeks leniency, and her impotent attempts to clarify what happened.

Passive aggression is an implicit conflict in which one person imposes guilt on another without disregarding the rules of etiquette. This behavior can be both intentional and unconscious. Often it is masked under care, a desire to help.

How to recognize passive aggression?

Passive aggression is difficult to trace, since the formal rules of communication are not violated. The aggressor hides his actions under the mask of care or friendliness.

At the same time, he violates the boundaries (this is the main sign of any abusive behavior) with a nice smile, in the form of a joke. There is no way to confront him within the rules. He will always have some objective reason for tardiness, sabotage, and evasion.

The only way to combat the problem is to make the conflict open. The victim’s sense of guilt comes precisely from the fact that the aggressor claims to be acting within the rules. It is she who can not stop being selfish, demands too much and does not show a sense of humor.

Let’s divide the manifestations of passive aggression into two levels: verbal and behavioral. Below we will look at both categories. Let’s start with verbal forms.

Verbal manifestations

1. Passive-aggressive remarks

Seemingly no big deal, this is just a statement of fact. For example: “There you go, you’re the same as always.” But it sounds like a reproach to the partner that he or she does not know how to do things the way they should be done.

And the right way? Passive aggression implies neither clarification of the situation nor attempts to correct it. On the contrary, the aggressor stands back and watches you make it up as you go along.

2. Unsolicited advice

Yes, yes, this is also a form of aggression. That’s why one of the rules of psychotherapy groups is not to give advice. We share something with our loved ones in order to get support. We need it in a certain form. Maybe even in the form of advice. But if the request wasn’t there, it’s like questioning a person’s competence or trying to fix them. That’s why advice is so infuriating.

3. The ambiguous compliment

A compliment is always a nice thing to do. It’s also usually done with the intention of pleasing. But if what is said leaves a “residue”? “Great soup, but with mom’s can not compare” or “Nice blouse, you are very young”.

Checking an ambiguous compliment is simple. Ask yourself how you feel. If you feel like saying thank you, you’re probably fine. Do you feel like slamming the door? That’s passive aggression.

4. Covert insults, sarcasm, devaluing other people’s opinions.

“No offense, but,” “I don’t mean to be rude, but,” and so on. Did you feel that? It’s all about the “but.” Everything that was said before it can be safely discarded. Then it turns out that the aggressor is rude, insulting, violating boundaries, judgmental, and so on. In short, it does exactly what it so clumsily tries to deny.

5. Intentional actualization of painful topics

You have asked your loved one several times not to bring up certain topics in conversation. By doing so, you have marked the boundaries and clarified how you feel. Your psychologist is proud of you!

But the interlocutor at the first opportunity again starts a conversation on an uncomfortable topic. And even better – raises it in the presence of other people.

Here there is a whole explosive mixture of feelings: shame, indignation, anger, resentment. But you can not spill this cocktail. The aggressor will immediately accuse you of overreaction and that it is impossible to communicate with you normally. Although it was he who broke the boundaries.

Behavioral manifestations

6. Sabotage, constant deficiencies

Your mom didn’t like that sweater? How come she washed it on the wrong cycle and it shrunk? It’s never happened before, but it’s a slip-up. How can you be angry at such a thing?

Another example – the husband several times forgot to do what he promised. Did not have time, it happens. But if this happens regularly, it becomes obvious that it is not just a coincidence.

7. Obsessive preoccupation

Despite your attempts to set the rules of what kind of care and in what form you are willing to accept, you are ignored. You wanted to freshen up your apartment renovation, but your mother came over and painted the walls the color she likes? Called you several times to see how you were doing? Yes, that’s obsessive preoccupation.

8. Systematic tardiness

You are constantly late. Try to think seriously about why this is happening. Are you trying to harm the person you are late to? Yes, there are many reasons. For example, a person may just want attention. But also passive aggression should not be discounted.

9. Failure to honor agreements

This is again about breaking boundaries. You try to set the rules of interaction, but all the time it turns out that they are not fulfilled. Even though everyone seems to have agreed.

10. “Italian strike.”

This form of passive aggression is characteristic of working relationships. What is the point? If the usual strike implies the cessation of work, then here people continue to work, scrupulously observing all the rules, and thus deliberately delaying the process. It is also common in teenagers.

11. Denial of contact

Are you being ignored? Are they silent? Avoid answering? All these are also manifestations of passive aggression. This can also include withdrawal from tactility, which is characteristic of close relationships.

In any case, the main marker of passive-aggressive behavior is your own reaction. If you fall into guilt instead of resentment, rage, indignation, want to escape from communication, but realize that all manifestations will prove inappropriate, this is probably it. Trust your feelings.

Causes of passive aggression

What are the causes of passive aggression? Most likely, a person at some point in their life was not safe to express themselves. Perhaps in the family, negative emotions are forbidden. Also behind this behavior may be the fear of open conflict. Therefore, a person is accustomed to express aggression indirectly, indirectly. Sometimes the ban on negativity can be very powerful. Then a person does not recognize his aggression and denies himself the right to feel it.

But it is important to understand something else. Aggression and violence are different concepts. In psychology, especially in the Gestalt approach, the former is seen as activity, an impulse to satisfy one’s needs.

Aggression, on the other hand, is understood as a life force, the main attribute of all living things. In order to occupy space, we must push it apart. Then the question is not that aggression is inherent in man. It is inherent in everyone to a greater or lesser extent. What is more important here is how one manifests and handles emotions.

When we say “violence”, we mean aggressive behavior. We can say that these concepts are synonymous. In the case of passive aggression, however, first of all, we mean hidden violence.

It turns out that a person who resorts to this form of behavior, commits violence. But he does not let his impulse and aspiration unfold, stops it. Therefore, in most cases, the alternative to passive aggression can be an open conflict or at least its detection.

Quite often a person prone to passive aggression believes that he is doing a noble deed. Allegedly, he protects his partner from a terrible direct conflict. In fact, the aggressor himself suffers from his behavior. And in the most direct way.

Unexpressed negative emotions affect the body like toxins or radiation. They lead to various kinds of chronic diseases, including migraines, problems with the gastrointestinal tract, cardiovascular system. Not to mention difficulties with the nervous system, tendencies to addictions.

How to get rid of passive aggression?

Passive aggression is destructive to relationships. Undisclosed, constantly smoldering conflict creates an atmosphere of insecurity. In addition, not every partner can withstand a permanent sense of guilt, which is imposed on him by such behavior.

Children in families where it is not customary to confront directly, also get used to hide their true feelings. They grow up insecure, distrustful. It is often difficult for them in adulthood to build strong relationships, to get closer to people.

The first step in the fight against passive aggression is to listen to your feelings. Does our partner’s behavior make us feel anxious and guilty? Trust the feelings. If you suspect that someone is behaving passive-aggressively with you, you are probably right. A telling situation will be when direct contact fails to clarify this.

Openly state your feelings and needs. The substitute for passive aggression is open conflict. You should not be afraid of this word. If the parties hear each other and do not want one to suppress the other, they will strive to achieve an interaction that would suit everyone. Then the relationship has a chance to go to the next level.

Also, imagine the passive-aggressive person as a child and yourself in the place of the adult. This extremely effective strategy for overcoming the problem will require you to engage your emotional intelligence. From an adult position, it is easier for us to show empathy and create a supportive environment for our partner. As we remember, insecurities are often the reason for hiding emotions.

Finally, don’t expect the aggressor to immediately throw himself on your neck and breathe a sigh of relief. His behavior has been shaped over years. If he reacts positively to your proposal to bring the conflict into the open, most likely not immediately.

Remember that passive aggression is your common enemy in the relationship. And you need to defeat it together.