Why resentments destroy us and how to avoid it. 3 ways to let go of an unpleasant situation

Sometimes feelings of resentment take us by surprise – reasoning reasonably, we realize that there is no reason to be offended, but the feeling has already arisen, and there is no escape from it. Why does this happen and how to cope with the sudden influx of emotions? Tells psychologist.

Elizabeth Filonenko

psychologist, 16 years of practice, author of books on the psychology of relationships, child rearing.

How to let go of offense and forgive? There are several effective ways.

If you are offended by someone, ask yourself – what is really going on, and you will find that:

• you condemn the actions of the other person (the offender), that is, you are simply angry with him or her;

• you are sure that this person acted voluntarily, i.e. had the freedom to do otherwise;

• you are sure that the offender was aware of the fact that he or she was acting badly and knew how you imagine his or her ideal behavior.

Only when all three components are present will resentment take place. To reduce resentment, or to be less resentful in life in general, you need to work on yourself in several ways:

1. Allow yourself to feel anger, to be angry at others when they act against your best interests. You do not necessarily need to express this anger outwardly, it is far from always reasonable. Recognize and name this feeling within yourself.

Resentment is anger in disguise, by giving carte blanche to the anger within you, you make masking it with resentment simply unnecessary.

2. Be clearer in expressing your desires and expectations to others. Often resentful people believe that the other person should understand everything, guess their desires. Hidden expectations of certain behavior of another person are the perfect fuel for resentment.

Do not play hide and seek, help your loved one to understand you better, guide him to the right way to communicate with you – and there will be fewer reasons for resentment, and life will be more fun.

Have you ever noticed that there is something childish in resentment? Children are often offended, not being able to understand that the world is complex, and people do not always take into account their interests, and certainly do not put them in the first place.

3. Learn to view the situation from the perspective of other people’s interests, train different perspectives on things. Frequent resentments come from an overly rigid understanding of how things “should” be, how things are “right.” We don’t allow for different perspectives, opposing our own interests, and are too fixated on the only correct own picture of the world.

Accepting that people often act as they see right, not as we see right, allows us to develop a breadth of views. The broader your perceptions of the motives behind a person’s actions, the more you are protected from being resentful.

When we are in a bad mood, it can seem like everything is against us and every action around us is colored in dark dramatic tones. In such a state it is easy to make a mistake or offend someone. In the previous article we told you what you should definitely not do.