How to stop thinking about an ex-girlfriend after a breakup and stop suffering

“I think about her every day, even though it’s been a long time since the breakup,” “I still remember the smell of her perfume,” “It seems like nothing like this will ever happen,” – such thoughts run around in the head of a person who gets stuck in a relationship that has ended. It can be other formulations, but they are all about one thing – the longing for a loved one who is no longer around. What to do in such a case? Change your life. Where to start? Best of all – with the advice of a psychologist.

Psychologist, sexologist and expert of the online school of psychological professions “Psychodemia”.

“The loss of a partner is a tragedy that you need to go through in order to start a new life. How to deal with the pain of parting with the least harm to the psyche?”.

“Don’t hold on to the one who leaves you. Otherwise the one who is coming to you will not come,” said Carl Gustav Jung. Let’s use his words as an epigraph and be inspired by them.

After almost any breakup, especially if we’ve been dumped suddenly, we feel bad. Even when the breakup happened quite ecologically, unpleasant thoughts and feelings cause apathy, irritability, take away the already reduced vital energy. Why does the soul hurt so much after a breakup?

Turinys

The neurobiology of breakup

First of all, it is necessary to sort out the neurobiological causes of soul pain after a breakup. Falling in love, affection, passion – these are hormones. When we are in a relationship, in contact with a partner, adrenaline, testosterone, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin, etc. are produced. They give pleasure, a sense of security, a strong connection, a reliable rear, euphoria, a surge of energy. If feelings are mutual, the amount of cortisol, the stress hormone, decreases.

When parting, these hormones are no longer released in the body in the usual amount, and the pleasant effects of them go with the partner. Cortisol is produced at the stage of anger and depression, adrenaline – at the stage of shock and denial. Decreased serotonin and oxytocin production leads to feeling worse, mood swings and can lead to mental health issues.

In addition to all this, MRI studies of the brain during a breakup show increased activity of the areas responsible for feeling pain and suffering (anterior and posterior cingulate cortex).

You can try to shut down from the pain, go headfirst into work or a new casual relationship. But by not living the narcissistic trauma – what psychoanalysts call this state of abandonment, vulnerability, helplessness, insecurity – we risk doing ourselves great harm.

The Psychology of Breakup

Psychologist Donald Winnicott developed the object relations theory, which states that a child depends on his mother not only physically but also psychologically. When a person grows up, his need for intimacy does not disappear. We transfer it to our partners. As a child is afraid to lose his mother, so it is difficult for an adult to let go of the object of attachment, a close and beloved person.

In addition, if in your childhood there were situations of loss of a parent, when mom (or another significant adult) suddenly left, detached or became cold for some reason, according to psychiatrist John Bowlby, this can be deposited in the psyche as a trauma. Breaking up with a loved one will then be a repetition of that painful experience. Psychologists call such a phenomenon “retraumatization” – a similar experience of losing someone we relied on and needed.

When a breakup is a tragedy, it is important not to run away from the painful experience. First and foremost, you need to live your grief. This lesson is worth learning as an experience, to understand your mistakes and through this to grow your personality.

How to stop thinking about the ex? 3 steps

1- Recognize thoughts and feelings and work through them

To better understand what beliefs visit you in connection with the breakup, first write them down. It is better to do this before going to sleep or in those moments when “covers”.

For example, on a sheet of paper will appear the idea “There is something wrong with me, since the girl left me.” Or “She’s the second person to tell me I’m not supportive.”

What feelings do these phrases evoke in you? Sadness, regret, anger, powerlessness, surprise? We rarely experience one emotion: there are usually several, a whole cocktail of them in the moment.

Example #1

Thought: “There’s something wrong with me since the girl left me.”
Feelings about it: sadness, longing, disappointment.

Example #2

Thought: “She’s the second person to tell me I’m not supportive.”
Feelings about this: bewilderment, confusion.

What feelings do the feelings written out evoke? Most likely a bleak outlook on life, on yourself, on your future; apathy, discouragement. You may feel victimized and that you have no influence over the situation.

Now try to determine how rational your thought is. Next, either challenge it or take action.

Example #1

Thought: “There’s something wrong with me because the girl left me.”
Feelings about it: bewilderment, confusion.
Rethinking: “The girl left me because she didn’t tell me what she didn’t like. It’s both of our fault.

Example #2

Thought: “She’s the second person to tell me I’m not supportive.”
Feelings about this: bewilderment, confusion.
Rethinking: “Maybe I should check with my partner from now on to see what kind of support she expects from me and learn how to give it.”

2. Learning to put yourself first

This point is about learning to listen to your desires and make them known. Try to analyze how often in a relationship have you gone against your needs? In controversial situations preferred to give in, rather than declare their point of view and find a compromise? Many problems in a couple would not arise if the partners would immediately voice their expectations. Even the most dear person is not able to read minds and guess.

Constantly “pushing” their wants and needs, we risk accumulating resentment, which sooner or later will find its way out.

Write out those situations with your ex in which you acted to your own detriment. What would you change if the relationship had a second chance? Where would you keep your mouth shut and stand up for yourself? What are some things you should definitely not do to yourself?

Stating wants and needs can be done in many different ways. For example, it is ecological to talk about your feelings and offer a solution to the problem without blaming your partner from an “I know better” position.

During the breakup period, refrain from communicating with your ex-passion. Until the emotions settle and the wound heals, it will be too emotional and unproductive. If there are things left, send them by courier. If there are pets in common, agree on who will keep them.

If there are children in common, agree to interact peacefully as parents and for their benefit only.

Thank her for the time you spent together, for the lessons and knowledge about yourself and others that you gained during this period! Realize that the relationship is over. It’s time to move forward – to a new happiness in your personal life.

3. Change your focus, get busy with your own life

If the previous two stages are more related to self-analysis and reflection on yourself, the next one requires activity and going out into people. A person needs a person – it is equally important for us to be alone with ourselves and in society. Socialize with other people!

It’s great to have good friends around to spend time with, share your pain and get support. The very process of talking reduces stress through relaxing the cerebral cortex. And similar stories with a good ending help you realize that your case is not unique and there is life after a breakup.

Perhaps there are people in your environment with whom you implement the same strategies as you did in your relationship with your ex. How effective are they? Maybe it’s time to change things up and get to a more comfortable and open level of communication? If you don’t know how to do this, consulting a psychologist will help.

Take up sports. Regular exercise promotes the production of hormones that utilize stress and depression. Physical activity will especially suit those who find it difficult to share their pain with loved ones.

Relationships are completed, and you have time for self-development, realization of new opportunities, personal growth. What have you long wanted to try, to do, but did not have enough time? Learn a new profession? Go fishing? Build a daily regimen? Adjust your nutrition? It’s hard to imagine a more appropriate moment: new things will both distract and entertain you.

Do not immediately jump into a new relationship, so that they do not become substitutive, when the partner is needed not as a person, but as a replacement for the former. But also to deny yourself in dating, pleasant communication with the opposite sex, flirting is also not worth it – do it as soon as you are ready.

From time to time remember that your needs are important. Know how to recognize them and don’t be afraid to share them with your partner.

Dealing with loss is a process that normally lasts nine to 18 months, so you can’t stop thinking about your ex quickly. At first, the loss seems unbearable, but over time, the waves of longing will cover less and less often, and their intensity will decrease. Over time, strong feelings will be transformed into quiet sadness and calm memories.

Living a breakup with your ex should start with the main thing – pay attention to yourself. What exactly to do, we have already discussed. I wish you success in this and a wonderful new relationship!