I can not cry, but want to: what to do, psychologist's advice

psychologist, gestalt therapist

“Crying is a physiological reaction of the body to an external emotional stimulus. This mechanism is necessary for a person to cope with stress, a kind of protective reaction of the psyche. In this case, the trigger moment for the manifestation of emotions can be both negative and positive events”.

Figuratively, we can imagine that there is a container inside a person. Each individual will have a different size and will be able to hold a certain amount of emotions. When a person experiences too intense an experience or an event that causes a storm of feelings, the container will overflow. This is when the accumulated emotions need to be released.

The body comes to the rescue, which with the help of crying organizes physiological and emotional discharge. Muscles relax, tears partially remove stress hormones. The initial mobilization is reduced. The person becomes able to live and act more calmly.

But there are times when feelings are overwhelming and stress is present, but there is no opportunity to cry. Why does this happen and how does it affect our mental health? Let’s get to the bottom of it.

Turinys

Why is not everyone able to cry?

1. lack of support

Any stressful event – positive or negative – requires a certain adaptation to the changed conditions. It becomes especially relevant when a person faces various losses: from the loss of loved ones to the breakup of relationships, moving, changing jobs and so on.

This moment of adaptation is the grieving process known to many people, which contains several definite stages: shock, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. The first, shock, is the most significant. Coming out of it by crying helps a person move on to the next ones. The more unexpected and intense the event, the greater the shock and the more difficult it can be to get out of it.

Subsequent experiences of anger, sadness, sadness, grief are not the most pleasant. Much here depends on a person’s ability and willingness to face them. But without proper work it is impossible to accept what has happened, adapt to changes and achieve inner stability.

If a person’s inner container does not hold the entire volume of feelings, he needs an additional container where he can put the excess. For a child, this is the parent who helps the child to get out of the peak of emotional excitement.

The same happens with an adult who faces an aggressive external environment. If he himself can not cope with its impact and the intensity of emotions, then you need additional emotional support from the outside. This is the environment: relatives, friends, society, psychologist.

It happens so that the external additional container is damaged – loved ones are unable to show support. The person forms negative experiences that traumatize him/her. The adult gets stuck in the shock stage. The psyche remains constantly on alert. The person loses the ability to discharge – unable to cry to reduce tension and access their feelings.

2. Depression

The reason for the inability to cry can be depression – exogenous, formed as a result of long-term suppression of experiences, as well as endogenous – caused by a failure in the production of hormones and neurotransmitters.

It is a common belief that with depression a person becomes tearful. This is not always the case. The habit of “keeping a face” sometimes becomes second nature. And a person experiencing severe heartache, outwardly may seem quite prosperous.

3. Physiology

The reasons for the inability to cry may lie in a number of different diseases of the visual organs, as well as be the result of taking medications. Therefore, when taking medications, especially antidepressants, it is important to pay attention to your condition and in time to contact your doctor, so that he can adjust the dose of intake.

4. Fatigue

Also the cause can be and banal fatigue. If resources are scarce, then first of all they will be directed by the body to ensure survival. For the work of the psyche, they may no longer be enough.

5. Age

One of the healthiest causes of a decreased ability to cry is age. As Lope de Vega wrote in “Dog in the Hay”, “He who has seen little, cries much”. A person who has had to experience a lot, see and understand a lot, does not necessarily become less sensitive, but definitely more resilient. He is able to withstand tension and go from emotional peak to feeling without discharge in the form of tears.

The impact of emotional blocks and trauma

Blocked feelings that don’t get an outlet don’t go anywhere, nor does the impulse to cry, reduce arousal and feel them. A person does not notice this, suppresses crying and experiences, reacts with the body – tenses the muscles of the face, eyes, throat, legs, arms and so on.

For example, unexpressed anger remains a “lump in the throat” or a feeling of tightness in the temples and pain in the head. Suppressed fear – tension in the legs or coldness in the hands, as the blood drains from the hands at the moment of fright and flows to the legs and head – the more important organs necessary for rescue. The muscles of the back become like a shell in cases of violence, when a person constantly shrinks, trying to become smaller and more invisible. This is his way of trying to protect his inner vulnerable part.

All these muscle spasms gradually reduce or completely block the sensations in the body, which first signal a person about the emergence of emotional excitement. And in the future, he simply stops noticing that he is overstressed, not to mention the urge to cry.

Suppression of sensory impulses and the inability to get physical and emotional discharge can and does lead to various psychosomatic diseases.

In order not to bring your condition to the disease, it is important to be attentive to yourself. If a stressful event has happened to you, then after it is worth paying special attention to yourself, and the grieving process – give space and time.

Talk about your losses, treat yourself gently during this period, don’t try to avoid your worries just because someone is having a hard time around you, take the time to collect yourself or distract yourself with work, entertainment.

If you feel that you are stuck at one of its stages, or if within a year after the event with you there are no significant changes and you as could not cry, and can not, it is worth seeking help from a psychologist.

But if you have “always been like this” and “never cry”, then this is a reason to pay close attention to your condition. When it is accompanied by feelings of inner emptiness, loneliness, boredom and apathy, hopelessness, the emergence of suicidal thoughts, then in this case it is simply necessary to consult a psychologist (and possibly a psychiatrist). These symptoms can be signs of depression.

Connection of environment and emotional blocks

Modern society is quite narcissistic and stimulates people to be successful, positive, confident, to keep a face in any situation. If not to be successful, then at least to seem to be. Showing weakness in this case is not safe, because such a person risks being rejected by the stronger ones.

A crying man, letting go of control and showing others his defenselessness, is perceived as a loser. He is considered a manipulator who can not cope with his problems on his own. Especially in this regard, boys get it. Of course, restraint and emotional stability are components of male identity. But men also need the ability to show emotion.

A man who can shed a tear where it is appropriate and understandable is perceived by society as more sincere, honest, kind and friendly. He or she does not try to “play nice in a bad game,” which means that he or she can be trusted.

As for the culture of grieving, unfortunately, in modern society it is given very little space. Many people are simply unaware of the importance of this process, others are ashamed to be vulnerable and weak in front of others, some are pressured by beliefs. As a result, people sacrifice their health in order to conform to someone else’s subjective and often erroneous opinions.

Various techniques and meditative practices can help you get rid of emotional blocks and start living freely.

Techniques and strategies to stimulate crying

So, blocking internal emotions negatively affects mental and physical health. Therefore, you should not avoid the problems associated with the inability to have a good cry. Try the following recommendations that will free your feelings and maybe even change your life for the better.

1. Shifting your focus of attention

For a person who feels the need to cry, the main task is to move the focus of their attention from their head to their body. Instead of starting to think and rationalize, it is worth focusing on the sensations. Questions can be asked: where does the tension feel, what is this tension about, what would the body want to express through it if given a voice?

2. Amplifying tension

Use the amplification technique: tense up as much as possible, then relax sharply, and now try to tense up again. To amplify the sensation, you can quickly run or hit a punching bag hard, scream into a pillow. Such ways of expression help to release tension, relax the body. All this will allow you to express the accumulated feelings.

3. Breathing practices

Any breathing techniques are also suitable. For example, the technique of “weeping breath” by Lowen (Alexander Lowen, American psychotherapist). When exhaling it is necessary to forcefully push the air out of the lungs, as it happens when sobbing. You can accompany these exhalations with a groan.

You can try the technique of breathing on a bioenergetic chair: put a cushion or blanket on an ordinary chair, lie on it with your back, stretching your arms behind your head, and start breathing, directing the focus of your attention to relaxing the clamps in the unfolded chest. As a rule, the exhalation allows you to relax it more and more, and the inhalation helps to awaken the feeling of sadness.

You can simply, lying on the bed, start pounding your arms and legs, accompanying the blows with shouts of “Why?” or “Why?”.

4. art therapy

All kinds of art therapy are very useful for relaxing and crying. You can try bibliotherapy – reading heartwarming books, watching movies, especially dramatic, melodramatic or tragic content. Listening to sad music should also work.

5. Body therapy

You can turn to the techniques of body-oriented psychotherapy. True, they are more suitable for group work. For example, the technique of “rebirth” according to the method of the Danish psychologist Lizbeth Marcher. It allows you to retrace the path of birth and reprocess the processes that were broken in deep childhood.

To someone who is not accustomed to manifesting his experiences, these methods may seem ridiculous or silly. This is only because the feelings have been shamed by the environment, and the sense of trust (that there is a space where it is safe to act silly and funny) has been undermined.

Such a space can be created in the therapist’s office. In the therapy process, a certain level of trust will first be achieved, safety will be ensured, and only then will there be an opportunity to place your worries and cry out your inner pain.

It is important to remember that the focus of your attention should not be on the desire to cry at all costs. This can lead to even more tension. Focus on the moment that will help you find answers to the questions of how and why you stop yourself from crying. The key is to direct your attention to those clamps and blocks.

Support from others

Sometimes it’s impossible to make the journey to relaxation without help and support. Pain can be so intense and all-encompassing that it is difficult to touch it yourself. This is the value of psychotherapy.

Firstly, by saying what happened over and over again, a person gradually gives shape to his pain, makes it limited and therefore bearable.

Secondly, when a person realizes that his experiences are bearable for another person, he becomes aware of his experiences. Then he relaxes, which gives him the opportunity to be vulnerable around the other, to not worry about his own safety, and to let go of control.

It can also be helpful to work in a psychotherapeutic group – among those with whom you can share the traumatic experience, to be yourself without having to “keep your face”.

It is possible to ask for support from loved ones, but it is important to keep in mind that they must be willing to do so. If the support person is themselves a participant in the same traumatic event, they will not be able to help properly.

Remember that the ability to understand and accept your emotions is the key to a happy and comfortable life. Therefore, do not separate bad feelings from good ones, strength from weakness. Allow yourself to cry – it is a serious step on the way to finding yourself, not a sign of a slob.