How to process grief and help a loved one cope? Global guide

psychologist, EMDR-therapist, Psychedemia expert

“Already Sigmund Freud wrote in 1917 about the importance of “grief work” (the inner living of loss). However, not much attention is still paid to this topic, and even professional literature is rather scarce. I suggest we try to dig deeper and look at different aspects of the topic of living with the pain of loss”.

Grief is an emotion through which we break up, work through the problems of interrupted relationships and integrate something from them to eventually come to a new understanding of ourselves and the world. Grieving is the basic and only proper process to go through when faced with any loss.

How is grief experienced?

Everyone grieves differently. There is no one-size-fits-all recipe. In recent years, a scheme of grief stages developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross has been very popular on the Internet: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Her popularity is understandable. A clear step-by-step plan reduces the anxiety of uncertainty. It is very desirable to have something to lean on while living the loss.

However, there is an important nuance. Kübler-Ross worked with palliative patients. It is necessary to understand that the grief about the upcoming care will be very different from the grief that happened spontaneously, when there was no time to prepare and analyze. There was an effect of surprise that exacerbated the situation.

The phases of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance may be interchanged or not as pronounced.

How do the stages of grieving work? It actually varies a lot. It all depends on a huge number of factors: the personality and situation (how it happened, what was lost), what state the person was in at the time of the loss and whether he or she had support. So if you realize that your state doesn’t fit into the “denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance” pattern, it doesn’t mean you’re grieving “wrong”.

Feelings that complicate grieving

Experiencing loss is often accompanied by aggravating feelings. For example, guilt and fear.

Guilt

Unexpected loss affects our inner integrity. It makes us feel extremely helpless. This is a difficult enough experience for all people. But especially for those who have had a lot of traumatic situations in their experience, where they were faced with powerlessness and could not help themselves in any way.

There is the pain of the loss itself. But it’s not just that. There is also the displaced pain of all the losses that have ever happened to us.

What is guilt for? It gives the illusion of control and the ability to avoid facing helplessness. If I am at fault (did or didn’t do something), then it is within my power to fix it. In other words, I have control. So taking responsibility for the loss and feeling guilty is often easier than facing helplessness. But there’s a problem – then we get “stuck” in denial of reality, because we are not really in control of the loss.

Fear

Also living the loss is often accompanied by various fears. Such as?

First, it is the fear of not being able to cope with the abrupt changes in life. After all, the loss is the collapse of plans and the need to build new ones. In fact, he is faced with the need to build his life anew.

For example, a young woman is left a widow. Now she has to struggle alone with financial problems, the need to raise her children on her own or start looking for a new partner. Will I be able to cope? Can I do it alone? And what if I decide to create a new relationship, won’t that mean I’ve forgotten my old partner? These questions abound. And this is where the shame of having her life go on comes in.

If an older woman is left alone, she must now somehow spend her evenings on her own. Let’s imagine that for the last 30 years she has shared this leisure time with her husband. They had common interests, rituals. Now her spouse is gone and she has to rebuild everything. This can be a very difficult time of adjustment.

There are changes in how we identify ourselves. If I am no longer a wife, who am I? If not a daughter, who is? If not a mother, who is?

Grieving can also be complicated by the resulting intense fear of losing other loved ones. Fear of losing all connections and experiencing death as something consuming, before which one feels very helpless.

Adapting to life changes

Life changes after a loss. Depending on what has happened, more or less. But these changes need to be adapted to.

The more grief and thoughts of death are pushed out in society, the harder it is for a person who has lost a loved one to adapt. There used to be mourners in Russia. Believing Jews have a tradition of seven sad days, which are observed in the house of the deceased: relatives pray, remember the deceased, as well as remove all household tasks from the mourner, letting him live through the grief and surrounding him with warmth and support.

Life changes also because the person is treated differently. In the worst case, he is completely avoided, imposing a taboo, as well as on death itself. At best, they begin to behave very carefully, unnaturally.

Many people prefer to stay away, not to see a person’s grief as it is. And then to the suffering of the grieving add loneliness and the feeling that no one needs him anymore.

Time alone does not heal. Moreover, if the grieving has not ended, has been blocked, then even years later it will live inside the psyche and look for a way out. Unfortunately, the ability to cope quickly is considered a sign of a person’s fortitude. However, psychotherapists in their offices often meet with the fact that the processing of grief in such “strong” people has not occurred. It remains blocked.

This can be visualized as a capsule with a rather dense shell. It seems to be airtight, but when a trigger from the outside hits, the traumatic barrier breaks through, and some of the psychic material associated with grief comes out. Indicative of this can be moments when a person cries bitterly over melodramas, perceives upsetting situations as disproportionately tragic, etc.

When we grieve over an irretrievably lost dress, we are actually mourning a succession of our own losses that had no place before.

Sigmund Freud wrote about grief and melancholy. They are similar and follow the loss of significant objects. Freud described grief as a normal reaction. Melancholia as pathological. The difference is that the mourner knows what he has lost, while the melancholy sufferer knows who he has lost, but not what exactly has been lost. That is, he does not have full realization.

Problems of repressed and delayed grieving

Signs of potentially unhealthy grieving include:

• complete lack of appetite for more than three days (after the shock phase of grieving is over);
• lack of sleep or recurring nightmares that cause anxiety.

It is important to remember, however, that simply poor sleep and appetite are the norm for the acute phase (4-6 weeks).

Problems in going through the normal grieving process can happen at any stage of the grieving process. A person will get “stuck” in a phase.

For example, there may be a hang-up in the denial of loss phase. If this happens, we are dealing with a person who lives as if almost nothing has happened. It is impossible to completely displace the loss of a loved one, so a frequent strategy in this case is to escape into “busyness.”

There can be problems in the breakthrough phase of emotions (according to Kübler-Ross these are the anger and depression stages). Here the person gets stuck in grieving and cannot find a way out of it. He is constantly “flooded” with grief and pain. It seems that the process is going on, but it is not. Unconsciously there is resistance to change and transformation with a logical transition to the next stage.

Unexpressed anger

Surprisingly, it is easier to vent and let go of a good relationship than a bad one. It is in the latter case that it proves more difficult to grieve the loss and complete the grieving process. Why?

The point is that there is a constant dialog with oneself: “What if?”. The relationship remains unresolved. In this case, it is very important to go through the stage of expressing anger. Get angry at what was not in the relationship, at the specific actions of the person. Perhaps – and at the fact that he was gone.

Problems of the search and breakup phase

A person may continue to look for a partner (close) in all people. Persistently see him in dreams. The idea of dying after the person may also arise. It is as if death is no longer opposed to anything else.

People who have experienced the loss of parents or siblings early on may well perceive life as something not very reliable, where everything is transient.

Here it is important to realize that it is necessary to make the process of parting with the object. Fixating on the one who has died takes the living person out of life.

Mummification or “frozen grief.”

Often people try to keep the person in their life as much as they can. They really want nothing to change at least on the outside.

Verena Kast in her book “Grieving” gives an example of a man who after the death of his spouse for many years did not change anything in the room, and when after 10 years was forced to make repairs, experienced a severe crisis. This is an attempt to mummify the departed, the environment.

In the natural process of grieving, the desire not to change anything is followed by a stage when gradually the things of the deceased are moved and removed. Thus, on a symbolic level, there is a separation from coexistence with the deceased, and one’s own separateness is restored.

Identification with another’s grief

A person may attempt to grieve his or her loss through other people. This is characteristic of members of helping professions. For example, pediatricians are often people who have either been ill themselves or have lost siblings. Perhaps the loss was in the family system – at the grandparent level. By helping other children through illness and death, symbolically they are trying to save someone precious – someone who has not been mourned.

When a person helps someone through grief, it’s as if they themselves are relieved. This is partly true. But there is another point. A person thus blocks his own grieving and, when faced with the fact that people no longer need his help, can fall into a severe crisis.

It is very important to grieve not only through identification with the other person’s experience. One must allow one’s psyche to exhaust one’s own grief.

Accumulation of pent-up grief

Pent-up grief can accumulate. In what ways does it manifest itself? For example, a mother did not grieve the separation with her children who emigrated to another country. She explained to herself – it would be better for them, it was the best solution. Then for many years she took care of her father-in-law who was lying down, and then she had a nervous breakdown because of the dog’s illness. The difference between the departure of the children and the problems with the pet was 10 years. All these years the woman tried desperately to avoid the grieving process, but the breakdown happened anyway.

Alas, rationalization and busyness do not help feelings in any way. You can get distracted and explain to yourself what is happening as logically as you want, but the grief will not become less.

Anniversary syndrome

Waves of grief can be triggered by events from the outside. For example, the onset of the date of death (a crisis that happened). This concept is called “anniversary syndrome.” It is important to prepare for such dates. It is important to realize that this time can be challenging. For example, ask for the support of loved ones, reduce the load at work, go into “energy-saving” mode.

It is much easier to experience a crisis predictably, prepared in advance, than to find yourself in the midst of something you were not prepared for. It’s like having a financial cushion that you can count on in the event of a layoff – yes, it will still be difficult, but you’ll be more comfortable going through the process.

Living through grief is very much an internal work of separating the lost object from yourself, saying goodbye to it, mourning it, and letting it go. And then to return the living part projected into the other back to yourself again.

How long is the right amount of time to grieve? As long as you need! You have the right to grieve, to mourn, to cry, to suffer with your whole body, absolutely not limited in time. Each person will experience it differently.

How do you support yourself in grieving?

If you are grieving and want to support yourself in some way, try the following exercise.

Take a piece of paper and try to write down how you have coped in the past? What helped you through crises at work or in your personal life. It was difficult then too, but you managed to get through it. Why?

What are your character traits, skills, abilities that helped you overcome the hard things you encountered in life? You need to analyze this list and highlight what you can really use today.

You can make for yourself some symbol of your loss. Anything will do: a pebble, a photo, a thing that will be associated with the departed.

You can also designate strict hours for grieving and crying if there is a fear that you are suffering too much. Then you can designate time limits on this process. For example: every evening from 6:00 pm to 7:30 pm.

If crying is absolutely difficult, you can make a playlist with sad songs. And another one with songs that support you.

It’s a good idea to just start crying to begin with, and then switch it up afterward. For example, listen to the sad playlist for 10 minutes and then listen to the supportive playlist for 10 minutes. By doing so, you will be practicing the skill of switching and regaining control.

Mourning can be compared to childbirth. It is important to allow the pain to pass through you. Over time it will begin to go away and little by little the joy will return. When it starts to come back, don’t stop it – it is tempting to feel guilty, but it is normal that life will gradually take its course.

How to help a person in grieving?

The main task is not to devalue the experience. Recognize the person’s grief, give it space. The person definitely doesn’t need comforting behaviors that can muffle the loss for a while.

The most important thing we can do for a grieving person is to share their suffering. To give the feeling that he or she is not alone with it.

If you have the opportunity, just be there for them. The person may not want to talk about their grief. That’s okay. Help in any way you can. For example, in everyday matters: keep the child occupied, do things that a person in this state simply does not have the resources to do.

The task is to give him support, which will be a support during this period. Perhaps at some point the person will not want to see anyone (including close people). Try not to lose touch with him and periodically unobtrusively offer help.

Clarify what the person needs. It is normal to ask directly. Perhaps the person has the hardest time waking up and going to sleep alone and wants to be alone the rest of the time. You can ask about basic needs being met. Has the person eaten? How is he sleeping? Has he showered?

The most important thing to do while grieving is to do simple basic things, but even these are sometimes difficult. There may be no energy for simple life organization.

What is not a good thing to say to a grieving person?

• “Don’t think about it.”
• “It’ll pass.”
• “Change your mind.”
• “Stop crying.”
• “At least life goes on!” (any example with the word “but” will not work, because the word itself already devalues the loss).

But it is possible and necessary to help the person to return to the body through touch. Put your hand on his shoulder, hug him, pat him, stroke him.

What can you say?

• “Your feelings are normal.”
• “You have a right to help”/”It’s okay to ask for help, it’s not shameful.”
• “You are living an important mental and life process. Be considerate of yourself.”
• “I really want to help you. How can I do that?”.
• “Yes, it’s really painful/difficult/fearful/terrible.”
• “You can cry if you feel like it.”
• “I’m here for you. I can see you and hear you. I am with you.”
• “I am willing to listen to you.”

Remember that you will get through whatever you are living through anyway. Maybe not now, but you will definitely be able to overcome it someday.