Who is an abuser and how to recognize him: 12 markers of violent tendencies

Gestalt therapist, Psychedemia expert

“As our notions of equality (including in couples) evolve, violence in close relationships becomes more prominent. Traditionally, society has focused solely on the physical aspect. From the category of “beating means love”. Today such terms as gaslighting, passive aggression, toxic behavior, etc. are actively used. How to recognize violence and the abuser?”

Violence as a social phenomenon

Who is an abuser? It is a person who uses violence. And of all kinds and in all kinds of situations. Abusive relationships can be in the family, at work, at university. They even occur between friends. Women suffer from abusive relationships more often than men, but the latter also have to face it.

Violence can be physical, sexualized, psychological (verbal or emotional), economic. It also includes pushing – unwanted intrusive attention.

According to Rosstat, every fifth woman in Russia has suffered from domestic violence. Children, the elderly, and the disabled are subjected to torture by their relatives. Men are also victims of violence, but much less frequently.

Violence has no social boundaries. Previously, there was an opinion that it was widespread among the simpler strata of the population. Now it is known that neither the level of income nor the presence of education does not protect a particular person from becoming a victim of an abuser. Yes, alcohol and illicit substance use are among the risk factors, but these are related to loss of control and outbursts of aggression, not social status.

Gender stereotypes play an important role in the prevalence of violence. Society imposes certain roles on people from childhood. Girls are gentle and smiling. Boys do not cry. Thus, a woman is robbed of even the idea of being able to stand up for herself. And a man has access to only two emotions: anger and rage.

It is a widespread method of bringing up boys, when a child is told: “This snag is bad, she hit you! Beat her back. So to it, so to it, so!”. The child is bruised, hurts his knee. He’s hurt and offended. It would seem that the strategy is correct: it is necessary to share these feelings and sensations somewhere, and the snag, which he tripped over, is a perfect safe object for draining emotions. But this is how a child gets used to the fact that everything is always the fault of something external. In adulthood, a partner or children can take the place of the snag.

What is abuse?

To understand what the term “abusive” means, we need to define violence as such. This is not easy to do. The fact is that violence is contextual. It is impossible to say with 100 percent certainty that it is abusive.

Here’s an example. A mother shouts to her adult son from the balcony across the yard, “Put your hat on!”. What is that? Humiliation? Control? Or maybe the young man is seriously ill and hypothermia is contraindicated for him. Or is it a joke? What then is the definition of abuse?

The main sign of abusive behavior is constant attempts to break through the personal boundaries of the other.

The suffering party is forced to meet the abuser’s needs first, and then his own. If they can. This hierarchy of needs is the first and main marker of an abusive relationship. How does a person evolve? It happens when he follows his needs. The above-described interaction is definitely not conducive to development.

But that’s not all it is. If we reason this way, we would be forced to recognize an infant as an abuser. For the mother, his needs come first. She forgets herself in caring for the baby. And here comes the second important marker of abuse. It has to do with hierarchy. Violence is perpetrated by someone who has power and control. That’s how the abuser maintains his position.

Does everyone who uses violence have to be an abuser? Suppose one person attacks another person in the park at night. The first one commits a violent act. But so does the second, because he is defending himself. If, say, this person not only gets the upper hand, but starts beating the defeated person, then he himself becomes the abuser.

It happens that people in a fit of anger commit violent acts and then in horror come to a psychologist. To begin with, it is necessary to find out whether this practice is permanent. Is a person inclined to resolve all conflicts in this way?

Not every such action is equal to violence. Here it is a matter of arbitrariness of actions and intentions. A person who restores his violated boundaries may do so in a violent way. That way he doesn’t become an abuser.

Even with physical violence, it’s not that simple. Let’s not talk about other types of violence. Especially psychological violence.

Psychological violence can manifest itself in insults, blackmail, threats, control over the life of the suffering party (including social networks), its social circle, daily routine, etc. There can also be coercion to perform any actions, damage to personal belongings.

In essence, the same thing happens as in a situation with any other violence. There is no dialog in an abusive relationship. The victim is deprived of the opportunity to give feedback, her opinion is not taken into account. So the abuser becomes her “medium of existence” and her ties to the real world are thinned.

Emotional violence can be combined with other types of violence. For example, with economic violence, which manifests itself in strict control over expenditures, refusal to support family members, concealment of their own income, spending family money only for their own needs, making most financial decisions independently.

It should be noted here that often a woman is in charge of money distribution. In this case we cannot accuse her of economic violence. Here we are dealing with the fact that she takes on additional responsibility and spends her energy on it.

There is another picture: when both partners are prone to abusive behavior. What to do then? Whose side will the psychologist be on when working with such a couple (because the psychologist is always on the client’s side)?

Here we need to change the perspective: it is not one partner against the other, but both are ready to neutralize the main enemy – violence. It is the absolute evil. And if both partners share this point of view and are ready to change their behavior, something can be done about it. And it is important to remember – violence harms both the injured party and the abuser himself.

How to identify the abuser in the early stages of a relationship?

How can I protect myself from abuse? Is it possible to identify abusive behavior early in a relationship? What signs indicate that a person is prone to it? Highlighting 12 markers.

1. Unrealistic expectations of the partner while ignoring their real qualities. “You are all I need!” – alas, it’s probably not a compliment. It’s just that the partner is trying to squeeze you into the framework of his ideal notions. If he builds a relationship not with a real person, it is quite likely that he will soon be disappointed. And then will again try to squeeze you into the ideal image. It will be a constant swing of idealization and devaluation.

2- Blaming others for their own problems and feelings. For the abuser, someone else is always to blame for everything. For example, a woman in a relationship with such a person may believe that she will be the one to control his feelings and finally make this man happy. In the end, going along with the manipulation, she will find herself guilty of doing something differently than what was expected of her.

3- Isolation. If a partner insists on his monopoly (“I love you so much that I can’t spend time without you”), you should be wary. This could potentially lead to attempts to cut social ties, to narrow their social circle. Unfortunately, social isolation is one of the companions of violence in close relationships.

4. The tendency to introduce elements of violence into sex without the partner’s consent. It can start in a playful way. Fake rape, etc. What’s important to understand here? Sex is about communication. If the partner does not care how you feel, it is a clear violation of it.

5. Manipulation using feelings of guilt, shame, pity. Unfortunately, violence has a tendency to escalate. If you’re suddenly around your partner feeling any of this toxic set of feelings, it’s likely to get worse from here on out. And the more you try to fix the situation, the more it will drag you down.

6. Verbal abuse. Alas, this is no joke. If something has hurt you and you can’t tell your partner about it, or you do, but he or she devalues your feelings, you probably won’t be heard further.

7. Contemptuous attitude towards persons of the other gender. We’ve already mentioned gender bias. If a person doesn’t see the partner behind the stereotypes, it’s a bad sign.

8. Sudden mood swings. If a person instantly turns to aggression, this is a very dangerous sign. People who are unable to regulate their affect are prone to use physical force. Also indicative is the selectivity in whom the outbursts of anger are directed. A person lashes out at those who are weaker, while holding back at those who are higher in the hierarchy or stand on equal footing with him. He creates thus a double impression: that charming, and then suddenly despot. Caution should be alerted to his second side.

9. Previous experience as an aggressor. Friends or relatives mention the frequent serious quarrels of the partner with his exes? To these words it is worth listening to and look more closely at the chosen one.

10. The threat of violence. This is not the norm in relationships, even the most passionate. Do not risk and check whether it comes to the embodiment of threats.

11. Destruction of objects, hitting them. These are harbingers of physical violence. Statistics show that. In half of the cases, women who go to crisis centers for victims of violence have experienced men destroying their belongings.

12- Using any kind of force during a scandal. As we have said, violence in relationships tends to escalate. Force and violence aren’t just one-syllable words, often one flows into the other rapidly. It’s also important here to understand how you feel the moment your partner demonstrates force. Are you scared, are you shocked? Chances are, he got what he wanted. If that wasn’t his goal, he wouldn’t devalue your feelings. Tell him about them and your boundaries and see how he reacts.

Ko darīt.

If you find signs of abusive behavior in yourself or your partner, you need to seek help from a psychologist. As mentioned above, abuse cannot be recognized without context. A trained professional can help you see what is really going on between you. This is important, since, most likely, neither relatives nor friends will be able to give an objective assessment of what is happening.

There are psychological centers that specialize in helping abusers who are ready to give up violent behavior. The desire of the person is a prerequisite for this kind of work. If the abuser does not want to change his behavior (or if it makes him happy), this is a matter for a psychiatrist.

The injured party also needs to see a psychologist. There are centers where this kind of help is provided free of charge. A victim who is in a relationship with an abuser is often in an extremely vulnerable position, and often there is a threat to her life. For such cases, the centers have the option of placing the woman in a shelter (their addresses are carefully concealed), helping her to find a job and start supporting herself.

Also, one should not neglect the possibilities of group therapy. There a person feels support, learns the stories of other people in a similar situation, gets in touch with their emotions and experiences. Seeing with your own eyes how it happens is an invaluable experience that is necessary to get out of the situation.

In addition, one should not neglect the possibilities of psychological education, read literature and listen to podcasts on the topic of violence. There is a lot of this information in open access nowadays.

And do not forget that violence is evil, but it can be defeated.