Why we depend on other people’s opinions and why we need to fight it

psychologist

At its core, opinion dependency is subordination to others. In such a situation, a person puts someone above himself. And this someone may be older or younger. He may or may not occupy a higher position. Why does a person a priori choose submission?

Of course, the initial tandem is “child – parent”. But a person has already become an adult, but he has not gained independence. He continues to obey someone else’s will. Why? The reason is profit.

What are the reasons?

Reason 1. Shifting of responsibility

Here I will mention Eric Fromm’s monograph “Escape from Freedom”. On the one hand, since childhood a person strives for freedom, but when he gets it, he runs away from it. After all, along with freedom he acquires the burden of responsibility.

Reason 2. Opportunity to get approval

An unloved child tries to compensate for this in adulthood by becoming a “good” (“comfortable”) person. When he is praised, his mood immediately improves. He is ready to recycle and help in everything, just to get a new portion of approval.

Reason 3. The need to feel important

A person feels needed when he is addressed. Moreover, he is the one being addressed! This means that he is the only one who can cope with this task. The feeling of exclusivity is off the charts.

Reason 4. Guilt

In this case, a person is inclined to take on someone else’s responsibility. He begins to feel guilty. Therefore, it is easier for him to agree and obey, so as not to deal with the torment of conscience.

It would seem, what’s wrong with that? Why not really obey? But the trick is that these benefits are illusory. In fact, a person gets nothing. Let’s deal with that.

What does it give us in reality?

Let’s deal with responsibility

So, a person took and shifted responsibility on someone else’s shoulders. What happened at that moment? Is the person to whom it was given really going to carry it?

For example, a young man was told by his mother to marry a certain girl. He did, but the girl turned out to have a bad character. The man began to blame the mother. But he was the one who said “I agree” at the registry office. He’s the one to blame.

It turns out that, in fact, to let someone else make a decision is also a decision. You have to take responsibility for it too. So, shifting responsibility is an illusion. Moreover, it is even more difficult to foresee the consequences that will have to be dealt with. There’s no other way to do it.

Dealing with approval

“A kind word and a cat feels good” is a fact. However, even here we have a two-edged sword. If a person gets increased pleasure from praise, how does he suffer from criticism? Very much. And even from the most constructive.

Now let’s face it. What do we receive more often – praise or criticism? By refusing constructive criticism, what else does a person refuse? Points of growth, improvement, development, opportunities, promotions at work, building strong relationships, etc.

Dealing with importance

Managers love to play on the feeling of importance. Open any management book and you will see how you are manipulated. We are talking about the following phrases: “Only you can do it”, “Who else can I trust but you”, “You are the only one who knows it so well”.

And here’s the interesting thing: such “important” people are usually not promoted… They are not transferred from the category of subordinates to equals. Why should they? Because they are convenient. And they also “realize that the company has no money, so there is no way to raise their salaries”.

Dealing with guilt

The relief from the absence of guilt is also quite twofold. Yes, it doesn’t gnaw (sort of), but it gnaws at something else – self-blame for not being able to say no again. And we are back to guilt again. A person does not feel it in front of others, but he feels it in front of himself.

But is the person really guilty? Guilt is a complex feeling. It is instilled in us in childhood, when we have no critical thinking. A child feels guilty because his parent blames him. He doesn’t think about whether he is really guilty. It is only with the emergence of critical thinking that such things begin to be questioned.

Once you understand why you need all this, you can decide – and whether it is so beneficial to you. Is it worth it to depend on the opinion of those who will not really decide anything for you and will not be responsible for the consequences of your decisions? The answer seems obvious.