“We’re sure parents wouldn’t understand.” 5 situations on which different generations have different opinions

Historians and philosophers have been describing the problem of fathers and children for centuries: each generation is considered too loose, insolent, willful and disobedient. As long as mankind lives, it is difficult for young people to understand the logic of their parents, and for parents to understand the aspirations and motivations of their children.

Pavel Rakov

psychologist, coach. Creator of the cult training “Actually I am smart, but I live like a fool”

Alas, psychologists and sociologists agree that the conflict of generations will never be exhausted. But it is still possible to come to mutual understanding. Especially in five typical situations that most often provoke confrontation between fathers and children. So, parents will definitely not understand these points ….

Problem one: spontaneous choice of profession “for the soul”

The most common situation: the child rushes to university and chooses the specialty of designer, psychologist, journalist, actor, and parents wish him a “bread” profession. And insist that it is necessary to become a dentist, lawyer, accountant or something else.

Defend their desire to create or shoot author’s movie is difficult, but possible. Just step into the position of a parent. Of course, you’d like your child to be able to support themselves without going into debt until payday or a new project.

What to do.

Explain to the parents that you will indeed be able to earn what you consider to be your calling. After all, it will be, if you manage to hold out at the initial stage, not dumping and worthy of selling your services. But take care of a certain financial cushion, which will allow you to maintain a decent standard of living. And, of course, will have to gently prove to parents that you do not just want to create “for the sake of art”, and intend to earn and somehow develop.

Problem two: personal life

“And when will we see grandchildren?” – believe me, this question is heard not only by girls, but also by many guys. And it is quite difficult to answer. As well as questions about the other half, reluctance to enter into an official marriage (and this is despite the fact that you live together with your loved one) and other personal moments.

After all, you yourself do not know when something will happen. And whether it will happen. And to tie for the sake of this fate with the first person you meet does not want.

Wat moet ik doen?

If you have no desire to create a new cell of society, it will have to clearly but delicately explain it to parents. Perhaps not even once or twice. But stand your ground. At stake is the happiness of their child, and get acquainted with their grandchildren, they will always have time. However, moms and dads are easy to understand. They would like to help with the upbringing of grandchildren, while there is still strength.

Problem three: the question of financial independence

Another variation is the apartment issue, which, as Woland said, spoiled many. Parents, especially those who survived the hungry 90s, like to save money and keep many things in reserve. Their children, on the other hand, prefer to live one day at a time and spend money on impressions and entertainment, in addition to food and clothes. Different attitudes towards finances often lead to quarrels and conflicts.

Wat moet ik doen?

As cliché as it sounds, young people should partially borrow the desire for financial stability from parents and in return teach them to use expensive sets not on holidays, but on weekdays. And also not to save up dowries for grandchildren, because fashions change, and carpets do not last forever. So you take a closer look at your parents’ practice of saving in separate accounts. A small amount that will get you through a couple or three months won’t hurt.

The apartment issue, on the other hand, can be more difficult. It is very difficult to convince moms and dads to finally make repairs, and not to live “poor, but clean”. And even more difficult to repaint the walls in their room, because parents have their own view of design. You may have to earn your own paint and wallpaper.

Problem four: different approaches to communication

Father prefers to chop the truth, mother – to silence offenses, aunt likes to give advice, and you – to act with an eye on the situation and people? Believe me, you are not the only one who runs into a wall of misunderstanding because of the approach to communicating with people. Yes, it is not very pleasant, but again time after time you will have to defend your right to your opinion and way of communication.

Wat moet ik doen?

The main thing is not to give up defending your boundaries halfway through. Otherwise you won’t get results. Put in your head that your parents, most likely, came from the USSR, and there was a completely different perception of personal space. Nothing personal was encouraged, and the desire to break away from the collective was severely punished. And people got used to prying into their own business, asking tactless questions and giving unsolicited advice.

In the previous article we talked about ways to maintain personal boundaries. These techniques will help you competently answer uncomfortable questions.

Try to understand how much such a difference of opinion interferes with your life? If it does not reduce the quality of relations with relatives, so, maybe, and it is not worth fighting over such a small thing? Let everything go as it is and everyone communicates with others as they are used to.

But if defending the boundaries can not be avoided, then take note of the fact that a different approach does not mean a “bad” person. Perhaps he was disoriented as a child, not trained in the wisdom of communication. And as an adult, it’s hard to retrain yourself. Therefore, try to criticize not the parents and relatives themselves, but specifically their opinions and actions, without going personal.

Problem five: politics, religion, show business and sexual orientation

Are your parents interested in politics and you are not? Do you have different tastes in artists or are you afraid to tell your grandmother you don’t believe in God? Or maybe you’ve been hiding a partner for years who doesn’t fit your family’s idea of what a “normal relationship” is? Alas, this is real and almost untreatable.

Wat moet ik doen?

This paragraph will probably be the shortest. Just remember these four cornerstones and never, under any pretext, do not enter into arguments on these topics. They are very dangerous, you will not notice how you will get involved in a conflict and destroy to death. Give your ancestors the right to make a little mistake. Not everyone is as smart and savvy as you are, right?

Plus, your parents are from a completely different generation who grew up in a different time with different mores. But if your boundaries are seriously compromised and nothing works to defend them, then back off and distance yourself. Use the distance and time to come to your senses and look at the situation more soberly, without the heat of passion and emotion. It may be necessary to see a psychologist specializing in conflictology.