4 rules from the author of The Subtle Art of Pofigism that will help you start living the life you want to live

Bestselling author, blogger and just a good guy, Mark Manson writes books that help people better understand themselves and start living the life they want. He doesn’t go out of his way for a word, and Manson’s extreme candor has earned him the love of millions of readers around the world (though some people find him irritating for the same reason). For example, in the book “Everything Sucks” Manson writes that “our whole life is a complete asshole”, and suggests that coffee cups should not be written on the names of visitors, but to leave a reminder of how quickly time passes, that “all our goals are far-fetched”.

You can criticize Mark for being cavalier, but it’s hard to argue with the reasoning behind his ideas. Manson’s principles, according to his own claim, were influenced by the views of Leo Tolstoy, Descartes and Spinoza, he cites the work of neuroscientist Steven Pinker, sociologist Malcolm Gladwell and psychotherapist Viktor Frankl. One can’t help but notice that Manson’s concept draws heavily on the stoicism of Seneca and Marcus Aurelius: he urges us to stop worrying about things that can’t be changed and focus on what truly matters.

In The Subtle Art of Pofigism, Marcus suggests forgetting about positive thinking and instead accepting reality as it is. Let it contain injustice, resentment, financial difficulties, illness, relationship turmoil, and so on. Bad things will always happen. Once we accept this fact, we can finally stop wasting time and energy on endlessly dealing with all the negativity and instead focus on what is within our immediate sphere of influence. “In your remaining lifetime, you will have time to take care of a little bit. Very little. And if you’re going to freak out about every single thing, you’re going to freak out,” cautions the author.

We’ve compiled a few of Manson’s tips and hope you find them useful.

“The Subtle Art of Defeatism.”

Think about what kind of pain you enjoy

The writer believes that denying, suppressing negativity or trying to avoid it is a bad idea. Emotions have emerged during evolution to help humans become more aware of their needs and to fulfill them. Anxiety, anger, jealousy, resentment are useful – they tell us what we should do to live better. They call us to action, to change.

When we get angry, we make the decision to stand up for our boundaries and say “no” – this can lead us to greater peace of mind and safety. When we feel sad, we remove ourselves from society for a while, spend time alone – and there we recuperate. Therefore, Manson urges not to try to get rid of unpleasant feelings as soon as possible and think positively all the time, but to learn to listen to your emotional pain.

You should not make decisions based only on emotional intuition, as they are almost always wrong. “You know who builds their entire lives on emotion? Three-year-old children. And dogs. And you know what else three-year-olds and dogs do? Shit on the carpet,” the author writes.

Instead of giving in to emotion, he advises thinking about what you’re really willing to fight for in life. And accept the fact that you will inevitably experience pain along the way to achieving your personal happiness. “What kind of pain would you want in life? What would you want to fight for?” – Manson suggests to reflect on these questions, because, in his opinion, they are the ones that largely determine the character of our lives.

Recognize your values and be guided by them

Manson divides life values into conditionally good and bad. The former are reality-based, they are socially constructive, immediate and controllable, and derive from personality. Honesty, the ability to defend oneself, charity, a healthy lifestyle, and politeness are examples of good values.

Bad ones are detached from reality, socially destructive, non-creative, dependent on external factors, and therefore uncontrollable. Power at any price, the cult of power, fabulous wealth, the thirst to always be in the center of attention are examples of bad values that poison life.

“If you have a hard time deciding what your values are, just ask yourself what problems you enjoy solving that most people don’t. That is what your values are. By choosing the right problems, you are choosing the right values,” Manson suggests.

After realizing your life meanings, the author suggests to start worrying only about them. And everything that does not fall into the category of important, send away. How to do it?

“Everything sucks.”

Learn to say no

Saying no allows you to find meaning in life and gives you true freedom and significance. Manson writes that the skill of saying “no” to anything that isn’t valuable helps you go deep into your choices. To value “x” you must reject “not-x.” Let’s say you hold family values so you will refuse to have sex outside of marriage, or you value friendship and won’t cheat on a friend.

Those “no’s” made your life better, reinforced your values, and therefore your identity. Manson explains that you can tell a lot about us by what we reject. And if we don’t reject anything (perhaps out of fear of being turned away from ourselves), then we are deprived of our own self.

The writer believes that the desire to avoid open rejection, confrontation and conflict, the desire to always smooth things over and be comfortable is a subtle form of hubris (and here again Manson speaks out in no uncertain terms). People who try not to say “no” so as not to upset themselves and others believe they deserve constant mental positivity. They reject nothing, focus only on pleasure, constantly run from failure, pretend suffering doesn’t exist, and, as Manson summarizes, live meaningless lives.

“Being able to say no is a very important life skill. No one wants to get bogged down in a relationship that’s going to be a drag. No one wants to get bogged down in a job they can’t stand and think is stupid. No one wants to feel compelled to say the wrong thing. But people choose these things. All the time. We humans crave honesty. But honesty requires the ability to hear and say no. It makes our relationships better and our emotional lives healthier,” Mark writes in The Subtle Art of Poofiness.

“Diary of a Pohigist.”

Practice pofigism

Manson is convinced that most self-help books are useless because the advice they outline is impractical and doesn’t help you feel happy. Therefore, he does not just theorize on the topic of self-development, but shares concrete ways to get rid of fears, “score” on what gets in the way, and focus on values.

Manson has supplemented his book with a “Diary of a Pophygist,” where he has collected exercises that will help you come to a clear picture of what you want your life to be in the long term, how to start moving toward your values and not stop, even when it’s very difficult.

“These exercises start a chain reaction, and if you do them long enough, it will become easier and easier to make changes in your life each time. One day, years from now, you’ll look back and maybe you won’t even recognize yourself today,” Manson promises. And that will be a remarkable result.