Self-esteem: where it comes from and how to develop it

psychologist, gestalt therapist, expert of “Psychedemia”

“What is self-esteem? Let’s deal with it. From the dictionary we know that it is “a grateful and respectful attitude to oneself, consciousness of one’s own dignity, one’s own value”. What does a person who has such a feeling deserve? First of all, of course, respect. But even here there is a question. Why should we respect ourselves? Do we need any merits, achievements for this? And if yes, then what kind?”

The question of dignity lies in the realm of philosophy. Take a child, for example. Is it worthy of respect by the very fact of its existence? We are forced to answer that yes. A child is a human being, a person. Even if it has no special achievements yet, it deserves respectful attitude to itself simply because it belongs to the human race.

We do not know how a human being will develop further. We don’t know what he will become. But the fact that a child is born is enough to respect him. The value of human life is in what it is.

Our society is built on reciprocity. Therefore, self-respect is a reflection of how we are perceived by others. That is, if others value a person simply for what they are, that is enough for them to feel worthy of that recognition and to treat themselves with reverence.

At the same time, basic positive self-esteem is a prerequisite for everyone’s life. Respectful attitude, self-acceptance provide the ability to consider and fulfill one’s needs. It is the basis for the quality of life and further development.

A respectful attitude towards oneself can be compared to fuel for an airplane. Without it, it will not take off, and perhaps it will rot on the airfield without realizing its purpose. It is not without reason that low self-esteem is a very frequent request when seeking psychological help.

Where does dignity come from?

A sense of self-esteem is laid in early childhood and develops as the person grows up. It is influenced by the following factors.

1- The attitudes of parents and other significant adults. For example, they may be grandparents. “Parental parenting style during the first three to four years determines a child’s degree of self-esteem from the very beginning of his or her life,” write Matthew McKay, Ph.D., and author Patrick Fanning in the best-selling book Self-Esteem.

If adults support and value a child, he or she begins to believe in his or her worth. But unfortunately, it is often the case that a person from childhood does not see the respect of others. Adults do not transmit to him what is a sense of self-esteem.

In what can this manifest itself? In ignoring the child’s needs (not only in basic things like food and shelter, but also in safety, recognition, development) and humiliation. In such cases, lack of self-respect is often an attitude internalized from childhood.

2. Successes and achievements – in studies, sports, creativity. The child enters the external environment and realizes himself in society, which has its own evaluation criteria. Here he/she is oriented not on parents, but on teachers and coaches, comparing himself/herself with others. The child realizes that he/she is capable of many things, feels more confident and stronger.

3. environment. Peers and teachers contribute to the formation of self-esteem. When a child receives support and recognition, he feels confident and comfortable. But when he faces criticism and ridicule, his self-esteem may decline.

4. autonomy and spontaneity of action. Independent decision making and responsibility for them, defending one’s boundaries, realizing one’s rights, forming one’s own system of values contribute to a growing sense of respect for oneself. Freedom of choice and the opportunity to realize it are important here.

The development of self-esteem does not stop there. It is further influenced by such factors as education, work, personal life and so on. But in any case, the foundations of the attitude to oneself are laid in childhood.

The relationship between self-esteem and self-esteem

How can we assess whether a person has a sense of self-esteem and what kind of self-esteem is it? To do this, there are some external benchmarks. For example, self-esteem is an emotional attitude towards one’s personality.

In terms of self-awareness, a person either understands his positive and negative aspects or inadequately evaluates them.

One can also consider self-esteem from another perspective. For example, a person’s ability to protect himself, to defend his boundaries and interests. Does he have enough strength and arguments for this? In addition, self-respect is also manifested in the desire for self-improvement, development.

Thus, self-esteem and self-esteem are related to each other. Our self-respect is expressed also through adequate perception of our abilities and achievements. This is the desire to realize the possibilities, to become better, care about physical and spiritual growth.

Disrespect is associated with many factors. For example, with complacency, arrogance, undemanding of oneself, overestimation of one’s qualities, merits, lack of aspiration for self-realization, improvement of the level of physical and spiritual growth. At least ignoring one’s needs – in proper nutrition, activity and so on – indicates a low degree of respect for oneself.

What are the levels of self-esteem?

The concept of self-esteem is widely known. But we will dwell on it in a little more detail. The level of self-esteem can be:

• underestimated (with which usually go to a psychologist);
• overestimated (it can also become a reason for referral to a specialist);
• optimal.

The first level of self-esteem, in addition to popular opinion, can manifest itself in the desire to belittle and injure others. A person does not just suffer in a corner from guilt, remorse, and so on, but often also feels envy, resentment and, not withstanding the level of frustration, takes off on those who are weaker. For example, on their own children, passing on the baton of lack of respect for themselves.

An inflated level of self-esteem also eventually leads to frustration. Inadequate ambitions are impossible to realize. A person chooses a partner a few heads above him.

But, most likely, not withstanding the competition, will not be able to support him (which is necessary in any kind of communication), will belittle the one who is next to him, trying to prevent his career and personal growth. This behavior in personal relationships can be combined with the belief that most often to blame for everything others.

It would seem that everything is easy here: share ambitions for their realization – get self-esteem. We managed to achieve the goal – well done. If you failed, there is nothing to be proud of. Unfortunately, not everything is so simple. People subjectively perceive their achievements.

Not without reason, speaking about self-esteem, we called it an emotional attitude to ourselves. You can endlessly try to prove your worth without ever being convinced of it. Because there is a mechanism of devaluation of one’s achievements built into a person – a harsh critic who cannot be pleased. Where does it come from? From the family. Most often it is the figure of a dissatisfied parent, which a person takes with him into adulthood.

How to cultivate self-esteem?

Understand how a person treats himself, you can, based on the internal monologue. Think about it: if you were to talk to yourself with respect and love, would you find harsh evaluative words? Would you use them, for example, in a conversation with a friend or a loved one you want to support? Don’t just think to yourself, but specifically say it to his or her face.

If you realize that out of respect you would never say such a thing to anyone, why do you say these words to yourself? They are unfair, rude, demeaning. If you can’t do that to others, then you should treat yourself the same way. The key position here is respect and love.

But the words of the inner critic, learned from childhood, are so native and familiar! So how do you realize that there is something wrong with them?

Catch the list of markers indicating that the inner critic is drowning your self-esteem.

1. Overgeneralization. Your critic operates with words like “everyone,” “everyone,” “no one,” “never,” “always,” and so on. Most likely, he is lying. It doesn’t work that way in life. Every rule has exceptions, and they are very important. Finally, avoid making statements about the future. You cannot predict it.

2. Labeling. What does this mean? When describing your qualities, you are more likely to automatically use belittling labels rather than accurate descriptions. There is one way to combat this here. It’s accuracy. Instead of “I’m fat” say “my weight is 10 pounds more than normal” and so on.

3. Filtering. Moreover, the mechanism is set up cunningly. It highlights the negative and overlooks the positive. What to do? Look for the opposite of what your filter usually highlights. Are you used to failure? But there are successes. Try to find them.

4. Polarized thinking. Only black or white? Is there no other way? That’s the thing, in reality there are always shades between these extremes. Try to find them.

5. Self-accusation. Sometimes you really want to be the center of the universe and have something to do with everything that happens. But no, you are not to blame for everything. Accept it.

6. Personalization. If you think everything has to do with you, comparing yourself to everyone else, then your rebuttal should be that all people are unique. Everyone has their own set of strengths and weaknesses. Our lives are a unique coincidence of our personal history and the time period in human history in which it falls. For each of us, the resulting puzzle is unique.

7. Thought Reading. You know in advance what others will think about you or even what their thoughts are right now. In most cases, alas, this is not the case. Even psychologists always ask their clients what they are feeling and thinking. We don’t know anything about others in advance. That’s a fact.

8. Distortions of control. There are two extremes here. One – you feel you are totally responsible for everyone and everything. The second – you think you have no control, you are a helpless victim. So what do we do? Be specific. Concentrate on what you can do to gain control of the situation.

9- Emotional Thinking. You often use the words “love,” “hate,” “disgusting,” “furious,” “depressing,” and assume that phenomena are exactly how you feel about them. Try to lower the heat of passion, use more neutral definitions.

Yes, self-esteem is formed in early childhood. But this does not mean that if a person grew up without a supportive environment, he is doomed to disrespect himself. And one more important point. Each of us deserves respect. Especially in relation to ourselves. Moreover, a sense of self-worth is a basic need.