How do you maintain your boundaries in marriage? Little things that can lead to total control

psychologist, author of psychological comics “How to Live in a Marriage Without Marriage”

“A big problem is when the people who make up a couple keep quiet about their dissatisfaction. They don’t like what their significant other is doing, but they don’t show it because they want to avoid conflict. But it usually does not lead to anything good.

The most common behavior is that of a person who was the youngest child in the family. This is not always the case, but most of the time these children have to smooth things over. Therefore, they are good negotiators.

Why is the person silent?

Let’s look at a few reasons for this silence.

1. To be perfect for the parents

It often happens that people don’t talk about their problems and conflicts when they really want to be good for their parent who is a role model for them. That is, if a girl has a need to look perfect for her dad, she makes a transference to her spouse.

In this case, when a child wants to be good, they are stepping on the throat of their own song. You need to realize that keeping quiet about something just to avoid being scolded is a fundamentally wrong stance!

2. Because “the problem is not worth it”

Often a man thinks that the problem he is concerned about is insignificant and it is not worth talking about. The result is that the wife constantly violates her husband’s boundaries.

For example, she went into his cell phone. She read his correspondence. He thought: “Well, I have nothing to hide. Let him look.”

But she thinks, “I can touch his cell phone, so I can control his life.” Not just on the smartphone, but in general. She also automatically transfers this model to any other things of her husband: “If the owner gave the okay, you can use it.” This is how the violation of personal boundaries in a marriage begins.

The woman took his phone. He was silent. Now his boundaries have become very blurred. Every time he keeps quiet to be nice, it ends up being something bad…..

How do you protect your boundaries?

To communicate your boundaries to the other person, but without getting personal, I suggest using the following template. These few phrases allow you to communicate to your partner what is unacceptable to you.

So, the partner has done something that violates your boundaries. Perhaps it’s an unfortunate phrase or action. It doesn’t matter. How do we respond and frame the dialog?

A template for defending boundaries

“Honey/darling, when people do … (this) or say … (that), I feel … (hurt, anger, resentment, anger). And I feel like I’m … (unnecessary/unwanted, bad/oy, useless/you). And I feel like … (hang up the phone, walk away and not talk, hit, divorce). I don’t want to do that to you, so I suggest … (hug me, compliment me, say positive and good things, call me later when the anger is gone)”.