'Only food made me feel happy'. How I overcame orthorexia after five years of torment

smart fitness expert

“In childhood there were different complexes, diets were also present, but short-term. Then I did not think about how to eat, what is right and what is wrong. I ate when I wanted to, and did not worry about the number of calories. But at some point I started to pay more attention to my reflection in the mirror, always comparing it with others. As a result, I began to limit myself, I had a norm of diet, which I tried not to go beyond.

I praised myself only in those moments when I ate according to the plan. Sugars and carbohydrates in my menu were almost absent, fats were cut down as much as possible. I ate my favorite cottage cheese and cheese only with reduced fat content. I recorded all the calories I ate in a special app. It became my daily activity, even mandatory.

When I realized that food is a very caloric thing and I could gain weight, I got the attitude that in order to eat, you need to exercise well. After learning how many calories and carbohydrates are in one marshmallow, I began to study the composition of products even more diligently. And from that moment on, everything started to change… Everything became a race.

This is what my relationship with food looked like at the time:

following a strict clean eating diet;
excessive exercise without proper recovery;
an inability to objectively assess my figure;
limiting or refusing “unclean” foods;
inadequate desire to maximize health;
feeling of superiority over others and contempt if people eat what is “harmful and unhealthy”;
feelings of guilt when breaking one’s own rules.

Recognizing that this is not normal and the letters RPP – big and scary – have something to do with you was not easy.

Slowly I began to realize what I could afford and what I “should” control. I tried to eat only what I planned and what I could count. Sometimes it was not easy, and when I couldn’t find this or that product in the appendix, I chose something similar and increased the volume, just in case, to eat less later. That’s how I behaved at home, when I was visiting, and in cafes with friends.

I was good at deceiving myself.

And after a couple of weeks, closely examining myself in the mirror, I decided that even gained. I reconsidered my diet and workouts: I tightened the first and increased the second.

Then I was 19 years old and I started having problems with my cycle, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. I visited a doctor, but the pills he prescribed did not help, as my lifestyle remained the same. In summer, when I went to China for the first time to earn money, my condition worsened even more.

I swam as a mermaid underwater, entertaining the Chinese people. There was good food (buffet), so I ate a lot. But it was impossible to control all the food and dishes in the app abroad. And I emphasized my choice on healthy foods (not fatty, not fried, not sweet).

That’s when I started having chitmil days. In the days of unloading I allowed myself and breaded bananas (insanely delicious) and a very large amount of ice cream. All at once.

This is how I accustomed myself to patiently giving up “junk” for a few days, knowing that the day would come when everything would be allowed. By “everything” I mean an inadequate amount of food at a time (often to the point of stomach aches).

On chitmil days I ate so that I didn’t want this food anymore exactly until the next such day. And that time stretched in anticipation. Then I stopped living in the present, not being happy about anything. Only food gave me a sense of happiness.

At the same time I worked hard, jumped on the jump rope, ran in the heat for 10 km, pumped my abs and praised myself for my willpower. Two months passed. And with them five kilograms and five cm in all parameters went away. In Minsk, where I am from, I returned to my relatives a living skeleton with even more cockroaches in its head.

Only after five years of such experiments I accepted myself, adjusted the hormonal background, stopped taking pills and going to doctors, started eating normally, not counting calories and doing fitness for pleasure and health.

Most importantly, I realized that in reality, nothing terrible will happen if you eat a piece of your favorite cake. What matters is how often you do it and what kind of diet you stick to most of the time. Love yourself, your health is your most precious asset.

Názor lekára

odborník na výživu, gastroenterológ, kandidát lekárskych vied, klinický farmakológ

“It is very important to maintain an informational background around this problem to reduce its mass appeal. I remember the RPP boom that flourished from 2000 to 2015, I think it has not slept even now. First it was a race for fashion, now it’s a race for the right lifestyle. Neither is healthy.”

Orthorexia is a pathological craving for proper, “healthy” eating that can have serious consequences for a person’s physical and mental health. It is directly related to eating disorders because it is not the norm.

Orthorexia is not only devastating to the psyche. Such food restrictions (and then indulgences) lead to diseases: deficiency of nutrients, not only vitamins and minerals, but also proteins and fats. Deficiency of the former substances = risk of cardiovascular disease, and the latter = risk of neurological diseases and dementia.

Meanwhile, muscle mass is very difficult to gain as we age. And insulin spikes during chitmiles and fasting can cause insulin resistance.

Insulin resistance is a decrease in the sensitivity of insulin-dependent cells to the action of insulin with the subsequent violation of glucose metabolism and its entry into the cells.

To avoid orthorexia and its consequences, it is important to keep a balanced diet and a variety of foods, and to seek professional help if you have intrusive thoughts and anxiety about food.