Soul mate or co-dependency? Signs that this love will drag you down

We all dream of meeting someone with whom we can be truly “on the same page”. To think and feel the same way. To laugh at the same jokes and to be unexpectedly sad where no one (except you two) sees no reason for sadness. In short, romance….

There are two pieces of news. The good news is that it can happen. The bad – the concept of “soul mate” is highly romanticized and often we take it for it not at all…

cognitive-behavioral psychologist, schema therapist.

Is everything so simple with soul mates and how can end the fairy tale in which you could not live a day without each other? Let’s break it down in order.

As in a fairy tale

Soul mate is a romantic notion. In English it is called “soulmate”. The term refers not only to love relationships. There can be a friend (girlfriend). The main thing is that this is a person with whom there is a deep mutual understanding, closeness, warmth. Someone with whom not only superficial communication is possible, but also a conversation about values, complex experiences.

In a love context, the term “soulmate” is more often used. Interestingly, in Spanish it sounds like “media naranja” (“half of an orange”). In any case, we are always talking about a relationship in which if there is a misunderstanding, it is solved constructively and for love.

A soul mate or soul mate is someone who always tries to understand. He (she) will never devalue you, show aggression. If the relationship develops each of the partners and the movement goes in a common direction – yes, it is about a real union of souls.

A fairy tale with a bad ending

Alas, sometimes with the feeling that finally found a soul mate, begin a relationship that can pull you to the bottom. I’m talking about co-dependency.

“This is the one!” – you think in admiration as you slowly start spending literally all your time with him. If not physically together, then in your mind – always.

There’s a merger phase in every relationship. It’s normal. But at some point it has to end. If the relationship is healthy, each partner should become a little cramped. There will be a desire to build personal boundaries. This is where friction may well arise. This is also normal.

If the friction is overcome constructively, then everyone gains their own space and a common space is formed. It is like two circles that partially overlap. Everyone is entitled to their own interests and pursuits, but there is room for togetherness. Both feel comfortable with each other.

Signs of co-dependency

1. The partner begins to live the other’s life.
2. There is an estrangement from the environment.
3. There is painful jealousy, the desire to control.
4. His own interests and values begin to be subordinated to the other.
5. There is a strong fear of losing the partner, tantamount to the destruction of the whole world.

A healthy relationship is when you realize that everyone has their own life, but you come back to each other. And most importantly, you’re looking in the same direction and traveling the same course. Not because someone has neglected their vision in favor of another. You are truly in the same boat and it feels good to be sailing in it.

To make a fairy tale come true

Yes, sometimes people live together happily ever after… But there are times when values change and the paths of soul mates diverge. People realize that they are no longer connected. In this case, parting can be very sad, but it does not destroy. Next, a new meeting can wait for a person.

“Soul mate” and constructive relationships are options for those who are ready to work on themselves and are already successfully doing it. For someone who knows his own peculiarities, possesses the skill of non-violent communication and is ready to respect the space of another person. He has his own values and meaning in life.

If people are attracted solely by traumas, then, as a rule, relationships are not very healthy. And there is a risk of co-dependency. Take care of yourself and work on yourself to be ready to meet that very soulmate.