How to stop being a comfortable person and start living for yourself? Psychologist’s instruction

analytically oriented therapist, EMDR-practitioner, trauma therapist, Psychedemia expert

“The desire to be “comfortable” is a very common problem, which is that a person becomes accustomed to adjusting to others in order to gain approval. I suggest looking at it as an adaptation mechanism or pattern of behavior – something that has developed through repetition as a way of coping with the reality in which we find ourselves.”

How does the habit of “being comfortable” form?

Becoming comfortable is often the only way to be loved. It is a survival strategy. Imagine facing inappropriate treatment where one has no power or control. It is a rather difficult experience, with a great deal of powerlessness. To make it less, he tries to regain control through an attempt to change himself, to adjust. That is, to become “comfortable.”

When in therapy the client and I begin to unravel this big tangle, there is a lot of grief and rejection buried inside. The person was not accepted or loved as he or she is, and then he or she learned to adjust in order not to be alone.

Psychoanalysts talk about “investment deficit”. This concept means a lack of mental, emotional, temporal, physical investment on the part of caring figures.

A mother forms a relationship with her baby while still pregnant – fantasizing about him, imagining him. At this point, there is already an investment of love and emotional intimacy in the future child.

If this does not happen, the baby develops a strong internal deficit. Also, he does not form a representation of the inner “caring” object. And this is a problem. Why? He will have nothing to draw on when forming the skill of self-care.

When we are cared for, over time we learn to do it on our own. If we have had the experience of not being cared for, it is very difficult for us to do things for ourselves. After all, it requires reproducing something we have never seen before. It’s like speaking Chinese that you don’t know.

What such a person definitely learns is to invest outwardly. He is great at putting the needs of others first.

Often the first person to care and invest mental energy in contacting such a “comfortable” person may be the therapist. His or her main task will be to help the client turn the life forces directed at others in his or her own direction. And this is a very difficult task.

The fear of rejection, of social isolation is imprinted in us on a biological level. For centuries it was impossible to survive alone, so exclusion from a social group was equal to death.

Any child is willing to do absolutely anything for the love and approval of her mother. If she (or the family system) unconsciously needs to play out some scenario, children as the most vulnerable (because the youngest) members of the system give it a chance to be realized. They do their best for it.

What can be the reasons for the occurrence of the pattern “to be comfortable”:

• one of the parents was sick/emotionally overloaded/worked a lot;
• a family member had a history of alcoholism;
• there were younger or “difficult” children;
• parents were cold, rejecting.

All of this is fertile ground for becoming as comfortable as possible for the sake of one’s own survival.

As a child grows up, he is confronted with an enormous amount of feelings and reactions that he cannot experience on his own. It needs an adult who is stable and attuned enough to take it all in and help it cope.

This is how the learning process takes place. The child learns strategies for dealing with his or her own states.

What happens if the adult does not cope? Let’s take the situation when the child comes home sad, and the mom is deeply depressed because the dad is on another binge. At best, the kid will be left alone with his difficulties. At worst, he will become a lightning rod for mom’s aggression, which she can not express to dad.

But the kid doesn’t know what’s going on. He just sees: I came with my difficult experience, and I was ignored or yelled at. What conclusion does he draw from his love for mom? I’m the bad one for upsetting her. My feelings are dangerous, so I will do everything I can to not upset my mom anymore. I won’t burden her with myself and my worries. It’s hard enough for her already, and I’m just here with my bullshit.

What’s wrong with being comfortable?

At the heart of the habit of “being comfortable” is a broken contact with one’s own needs. A person has a poor understanding of what he really wants, what he needs, what he feels. The person who tries to be convenient for others has broken contact with his own body and needs.

Very often such people do not notice for years that this is not a normal state, but a problem. After all, they have lived this way all their lives. Moreover, such a strategy is fueled by social beliefs and the scarcity of good stories around. “Everybody has it like this, everybody lives like this,” the person thinks.

In the therapist’s office, comfortable people often find themselves in extreme anxiety, already with panic attacks or other symptoms, when the body literally forces the person to turn the focus of attention on himself.

The next stage is fear of asserting their needs, accompanied by shame and guilt.

The comfortable woman cooks and cleans after an eight-hour work day, ignoring fatigue and physical discomfort, because she needs to take care of her family. “The house must be clean,” she tells herself. And the thought of stopping doing it or delegating it proves difficult to bear or unrealizable.

Also, such people have great difficulty with boundaries. This is quite natural given the difficulty in discovering their needs.

Usually the boundary that separates them from others is far beyond themselves. What is my area of responsibility? What do I really have to do and what do I have every right to refuse to do? And what from this list do I want and, most importantly, what can I do? It is as if a person gives away the rights to their time and space to others.

Because of the very high demands on themselves, comfortable people find it extremely difficult to ask for and accept help and support.

What helps to stop being “comfortable”?

Based on all of the above, in order to stop being comfortable, you need to discover yourself. What does that mean? In order to answer this question, it is important to understand how the skill of not fitting in, but showing up in the full diversity of one’s feelings, sensations, and reactions is formed.

As we have found out, this experience of showing oneself in a good way should be formed with significant others in early childhood, when patterns of behavior and ways of interacting with the world and others are laid down. But since the comfortable person did not have such an opportunity in childhood, it is important to separate from parents in adulthood.

Emotional separation is an important step in ceasing to be comfortable. It occurs as you come to the realization that you no longer have to take your mom’s or dad’s feelings, and stop being afraid of destroying your parents with your displays, protecting them from themselves by splitting off their needs. Only by going through separation can a person learn to assert his or her boundaries.

Also important is contact with accepting people who are stable enough and willing to give space to your feelings and needs. These can be friends, a partner, a teacher or a supervisor, if you have a good relationship and it is sufficiently conscious and stable. And, of course, psychotherapy, through which you can learn to understand your wants and needs and to express yourself in the full range of feelings.

Understanding where your strategy of “being comfortable” comes from, separating from your parents, building boundaries and a supportive environment will help you to listen to your needs, allow yourself to follow them and become the main person in your life.