How do you realize your partner is controlling you and stop it? Sex therapist debriefing

The norm in any relationship is an extremely fluid construct. What is acceptable to some will be dissonant to others. Or even disgust. When we’re talking about a couple, anything that two people have agreed on is normal in that relationship. If they have made the decision to have control and are not suffering from it, we can conclude that it is okay for them to do so.

Sex therapist, family systemic therapist, Psychedemia expert

“What about control that violates agreements? What if it’s served up under the guise of something else? For example, when a person controls their partner, but calls it attention, care. Can control be excessive and abnormal? Let’s figure it out.”

Usually, control is understood as observation and checking of the process of functioning and the actual state of the controlled object or subject. What does it mean in simple words? It means several processes: overly active observation of another person, his life and activities; checks (violating the partner’s boundaries); increased demands and possible “punishments” for their non-fulfillment.

I have not found scientific classifications of types of control in couple relationships, but I can give an example of the behavioral control patterns I see in my clients.

Types of control in relationships

1. Financial control

This is about when one partner keeps an account (sometimes absurd) of all spending and purchases. There may be check checks, demands to account for spending, resentment and fights over spending finances on the wrong things. Money is sometimes “given” strictly for certain and important things.

Strict arguments are required to make a purchase just for the joy of it. This is most common in families where one earns much more than the other, or when the wife is a housewife/maternity mom and has no income of her own.

Another common occurrence is when one spouse buys themselves something outside of the family budget. For example, paying for online games, courses, cosmetics. This angers the partner. The person may often use devaluing phrases like: “You spent five thousand on a jar of cream”, “How can you buy three thousand dollars worth of spare parts in Tanchiki”, “Again these courses from infotsygans! Well, what did you achieve after them?”.

Such behavior eventually leads to lying, hidden spending, accumulation of irritation, anger, complaints, and decreased sexual activity in the couple.

2. Time control

This is where a partner can keep a schedule of your life. Track the time spent traveling to/from work. Count how long you socialize with friends, etc.

Often this is accompanied by suspicion and verbally aggressive accusations: “You promised to be back at 10, and you came at 11:43”, “You finish work at seven, and you have a 40-minute subway ride, why did you come home at 9 p.m., where else did you go? If to the store, where are the purchases?”.

As a rule, such words are not backed up by a request to do things differently. This does not give the partner a clear understanding of how to behave. But it leaves a lot of reasons for anxiety, irritation and guilt.

3. domestic control

This type is most often expressed in reproaches related to the inept conduct of household chores: “You put it in the wrong place or put it in the wrong way”, “You should wipe the dust better”, “You haven’t hung up the shelves yet”.

Each of us has an idea of how the processes of our lives should be organized. Domestic control manifests itself when we seek to impose our system of keeping order in the house on another.

4. Social control

Here one of the partners demands to know passwords to all devices, can enter social networks and check correspondence. Claims are made for likes, comments, subscriptions to unknown people.

Such control can be accompanied by devaluation. For example: “Oh, you also subscribed to this blogger. Now you will make wish cards too”, “You are watching your jocks, but you have not been to the gym yourself”.

5. Parental control

So I call with a touch of irony a type of control, which is very similar to the words of mom or dad. For example: “Have you eaten? Put a hat on today, it’s cold”, “Don’t turn on the appliances, you’ll break them. I’ll come and turn it on myself.”

Perhaps someone will see this as a manifestation of sincere care. How to distinguish it from control? First, care and attention are permanent. Secondly, the person does not get into the position of an “adult” who knows better.

If you think that your partner will not cope with a simple task (to wash the laundry, to heat up dinner, to find the right thing in the closet), then, most likely, you have switched to the role of a parent.

6. Environment Control

With this type of control in a couple, one of the spouses constantly monitors with whom his chosen one communicates. And this is not just an interest, but exactly the search for information, control of pastime. There may be such phrases: “Again you with Sergei your communicated. I don’t like him. Why are you socializing with him?”, “Katya and Lena – they only think about bars and cosmetics, you are not like that. Don’t hang out with them. They have a bad influence on you,” etc.

That is, one of the partners allows himself to tell the other with whom to socialize. The second one has to make adjustments in this relationship, up to complete abandonment. People who can be manipulated in this way sometimes lose contact not only with friends, but also with family.

7. emotional control

This is probably the most painful type of control in a couple. The point is that there is manipulation of feelings. One partner can “ride” the other on emotional swings.

In such couples, the partner can feel, guess the mood by the sound of footsteps, creaking and banging of the door. Here the following phrases are often heard: “Are you okay? How are you? Did something happen?”. In themselves, these words are neutral, but they are not said with the purpose of finding out how the other half feels. The goal is to catch mood swings as early as possible to know how to react and not provoke a quarrel.

Reasons for conflict can be very different. From the fact that someone watched an episode of a TV show earlier, to the fact that the partner washed the dishes with the wrong detergent.

As we can see, control manifests itself when one of the couple (and sometimes both spouses take turns) violates the other’s boundaries and the couple’s agreements in their relationship.

Why does a person become controlling?

Controlling the other in a couple is the safest way to deal with difficult feelings, experiences and situations. It is often used to mask anxiety, anger, irritation, resentment, and unspoken grievances.

In fact, controlling behavior gives us a sense of safety. How does it work? A person thinks that the better control he exercises, the harder it is to catch him off guard and hurt him. In doing so, he is often unaware that he is traumatizing his partner.

A person who is controlling does not realize the reasons for his actions. He does not realize that they are caused by anxiety or stressful events. After all, the purpose of control is to anticipate mishaps and force majeure factors, to reduce risks.

When a couple comes to me with a similar problem, I ask the partners to reflect. To ask themselves questions: “Why is all the energy, time, and attention in our relationship devoted to control, the purpose of which is to prevent risks? What is going on in the couple? Why is the control scenario chosen instead of a conversation or resolution of the original problem?”.

In my practice there were examples when a couple faced stress due to money problems, and, as a consequence, one of the spouses took upon himself a clear and strict account of the entire financial system of the family. Alas, he built it so that it was convenient for him.

Another option – the mother faced with the illness of the child, so now the whole family is forced to undergo endless medical examinations, take tests and general cleaning every week. I sincerely sympathize with the woman and understand her worries. But I also know that this is not going to lead to anything good.

Control is a litmus test of whether the family has broken agreements or if these actions are covering up difficult, unbearable feelings.

How to deal with controlling behavior in a relationship?

What should couples do who have discovered such unpleasant control in their relationship? I suggest taking the following steps.

1. Revisit the arrangements. Your household plans, budgets, goals, and relationships may have changed. This is normal in any family. You just need to sit down again and renegotiate how communication happens in your family.

2. Agree (if you haven’t before) on how you interact together. It is important to discuss the following.

• Budget, family income and expenses. Who does the spending, shopping, what you are saving for and how you will act in case of force majeure. I also recommend discussing your entertainment and pleasures – both joint and separate. Such honest conversations will help you understand the wants and needs of each family member and agree on clear rules for handling money.
• Free time and time for each other. Discuss how each of you likes to spend your leisure time and how you want to do it together. What is valuable to you in these experiences and what activities may frustrate you. This will help you understand your partner’s hobbies and there will be less reason to control him or her.
• Boundaries of acceptable communication – what will be comfortable for you specifically in your relationship. Discuss things like time with friends, coworkers, hobbies, social media and passwords. I recommend having these conversations in a calm, friendly state, without complaints or recriminations.

3. If you find that the controlling person is you, I recommend that you reflect. What difficult feelings, unpleasant situations do you translate into control? Why instead of talking to a person you choose to observe, evaluate, manipulate? If you can not cope yourself, there is always an option – the help of a psychologist. He will help to understand the reasons for these behavioral patterns.

What can be summarized? It is important to realize that control in a couple is most often a sign of hidden emotions, violation of agreements. This is not a verdict. Many couples successfully pass this stage. It becomes a new level of strengthening the relationship.