Who are narcissists in simple words - 9 signs of narcissism

psychologist-consultant, orthopedic therapist, expert of the online school of psychological professions “Psychodemia”

“Some are extremely charming, gather all the attention in companies and achieve success in their careers. Others are withdrawn, avoid socializing and suffer from a sense of unrealization.

Unites the two groups of people with such different character traits one thing – they all have a very fragile self-esteem, depending on the opinion of others, as well as difficulties in building close relationships. To establish a trusting contact with them can be difficult or almost impossible. And the exit from the relationship often becomes a real “quest”. Sometimes – extremely dangerous.

Who is a narcissist and why do we often pay a very high price for intimacy with him?”

Зміст

Three types of narcissism

The term “narcissist” itself is borrowed from Greek mythology. According to legend, a beautiful young man saw his reflection in the surface of the pond and fell in love. His feelings were so strong that he could not tear himself away from his reflection. So he died, “dried up” by love.

Egocentrism, narcissism, narcissism, self-obsession – all this really distinguishes people with narcissistic traits. The very concept today has no gender coloring. Both men and women can have narcissistic traits.

But before you point the finger at your ex-partner or unpleasant coworker, remember – we all have narcissism. It’s just that some have more of it.

So what are the different types of narcissism? There are three. “Healthy narcissism,” “narcissistic personality type,” and “narcissistic personality disorder.”

1. Healthy Narcissism

When psychology students are in their initial years in higher education, they are often intimidated. In every class they find themselves exhibiting traits of different personalities. It is not uncommon to give themselves pathological diagnoses. At this point they wonder with horror, “Am I a narcissist?”.

In fact, in every person can be found qualities inherent in different personality types (schizoid, hysterical, depressive, etc.), and this is the absolute norm. Including narcissistic traits are present in all of us.

In the healthy version, this is the part of you that is responsible for display, healthy pride, the desire to be liked and receive approval and recognition. It’s about all those qualities that help you to realize and achieve something socially significant. The question is how pronounced these traits are.

With healthy narcissism, a person is good at admiring others, but his self-esteem and perception of himself is not based on this. He is able to care for others, but does not go against his own interests in doing so. He is able to protect his own boundaries and respects others’.

2. Narcissistic personality type

A person with this personality type will build his life around the achievements and attention and admiration of others.

Such people are highly dependent on the opinion of others and need constant confirmation that everything is fine with them, they are accepted and noticed. It is quite difficult for them to build close relationships, as it implies a position of vulnerability. And this is very frightening for them.

3- Narcissistic personality disorder

This is a clinical diagnosis that can only be made by a psychiatrist after a thorough diagnosis.

The signs of this disorder are currently documented in theDiagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). According to the manual, a patient must meet at least five signs from the following list in order to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Signs of NRL

A grandiose sense of self-importance: exaggerated ideas about one’s talents, expectations of recognition, and lack of real accomplishments.
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or perfect love.
Belief in one’s own uniqueness and chosenness. The person believes that he or she can be understood or should only socialize with special or high-status people or communities.
A demand for excessive admiration.
Feeling privileged (unrealistic expectations of special treatment or concessions from others).
Exploitation of others (uses others to achieve their goals).
Lack of empathy, inability to recognize the feelings and needs of others and identify with them.
Feeling envious or believing that others are envious of him/her.
Arrogant and haughty behavior, confidence in superiority over others.

Depending on which of the above traits a person has and in what quantity, he or she can be categorized as one of three types of people with narcissistic disorder.

The three types of narcissistic disorder are

“Grandiose” narcissists

More often than not, when we hear the term “narcissist,” this is the type of person we envision. Let’s break down the main characteristics that distinguish them.

1. The desire to receive constant admiration. For “grandiose” narcissists it is vital to feel the recognition of others. The more it will be, the more comfortable they feel. These are people who tend to be theatrical, demonstrative, and flamboyant.

2. External self-confidence with a very fragile self-esteem. Often they look spectacular, interesting, attractive. From the outside it may seem that they are confident and are not afraid of anything. However, the self-esteem of people with narcissistic disorder inside is very shaky: it is built on external achievements and the admiration of others. Criticism and failures can shake it badly.

3. low or almost no empathy. What people with narcissistic disorder are not strong at is genuinely empathizing and sympathizing with others. Alas, they often actually experience a much smaller range of feelings and emotions than the normal average person.

At the same time, some modern researchers on the topic of narcissism (e.g., Sam Vaknin in his book Malignant Narcissism) hold the view that empathy is still present in people with NPL. It is just more cognitive than emotional in nature. That is, narcissistic personalities do not feel everything the same as people around them, but they learn to understand the emotions of others, to show, to portray them. Of course, they do this when they feel it is necessary to achieve their goals.

4. feeling of their own exclusivity, unrealistic assessment of personal abilities. Many people with NRL are really successful and achieve great heights. On this account there is an interesting study carried out by a group of psychologists from London, Manchester and Texas, led by Dr. Kostas Papageorgi.

The scientists analyzed the behavior of 300 teenagers during final exams and came to the conclusion: people with NPL get higher grades even with fairly average mental abilities.

The researchers explain this by the fact that, in addition to egoism and the desire to dominate, many people with narcissistic disorder are characterized by determination, resistance to adversity and perseverance. It is these qualities that help them achieve high performance. In addition, the desire for attention increases their motivation to achieve.

But even if it is not possible to achieve something outstanding, deep down a person with NPL always thinks that he or she has special abilities, and the people around them should understand this.

5. Uses other people to achieve their goals. However, to do this grandiose narcissist will be quite “jewelry”. He will put in motion the whole set of manipulations, which in his arsenal is plenty.

If it is profitable for such a person to get something from you, then everything will be used: gaslighting, double messages and compliments “with a double bottom”, neglect (a form of violence, when regularly ignored vital human needs), gesturing (abrupt termination of any communication without explanation), false compromises, devaluation and other painful and often very wounding partners things.

Hidden or “vulnerable” narcissists

They are not as loud and active in society. Some will act withdrawn and modest. They don’t seek extra attention and sometimes tend to avoid it in every way possible.

Nevertheless, vulnerable people with NRL also fancy themselves as exceptional, but extremely unappreciated. They suffer all the time. They see themselves as victims of circumstances, other people, or universal injustice.

Like “grandiose” narcissists, they treat loved ones as things. Also have a very fragile self-esteem and are extremely difficult to communicate with.

Other signs that distinguish hidden narcissists:

A very frequent apathetic or depressed emotional state;
anger expressed in the form of passive aggression: insults, gossip, nasty jokes, nagging, etc…;
constant comparison of oneself with others;
hypersensitivity to criticism.

Perverse Narcissists

Here we are faced with a narcissist who belongs to the most dangerous. It is better to stay away from him. Being a partner of a perverse narcissist is like living next to a volcano, not realizing at what exact moment the eruption will occur and how destructive it will be. And sometimes even doubting – perhaps it is just a mountain, and no volcano, and all the previous “eruptions” you just imagined …

Characteristics of the perverse narcissist:

Most manipulative of all (often his manipulations are extremely sophisticated);
likes to control, often disguises it with care;
seeks power, influence (also uses manipulation for this purpose);
very vindictive;
tends to be in an irritable state, often “explodes”, experiences attacks of narcissistic anger;
likes to involve third parties in relationships.

Typical behavior of a narcissist

1. Tries to “pull the blanket over himself”

This is more characteristic of “grandiose” narcissists. In companies, they are very loud, active, and attention-getting. Often it may seem that a person with NRL “a lot” – he does not like it very much when someone else instead of him “wastes airtime” and steals such valuable attention of others. Therefore, in his company you will have to take the position of admiring spectator and admirer.

2. Insistently seek approval

It’s important to each of us in one way or another that loved ones give us positive feedback and support. But people with narcissistic traits don’t just need it, it’s almost vital.

Imagine that you have a three or five year old child who follows you around saying, “Mom, look at my kulichik! See how I drew it! Look what I got!”. Of course, waiting for your admiration. Narcissus will behave in a similar way.

If you stop praising him, you’re likely to face resentment. Or uncontrollable narcissistic anger.

3. Intolerant of criticism

For people with a narcissistic personality type, criticism is very painful. It causes a vivid emotional reaction: anger, rejection and the desire to defend themselves.

It does not matter – you really allowed offensive criticism (for example, without asking, saying that a new suit does not suit a person) or simply drew the partner’s attention to the fact that he was half an hour late and did not warn about it.

In both cases, this person will feel very hurt and will start to defend himself. How will he do this? Narcissus will try in every possible way to shift the responsibility for what happened to you.

How do narcissists themselves live?

If it seemed to you that for people with NRL in such behavior only pluses, it is far from true. There’s a lot of talk today about the consequences that narcissists’ victims face after a relationship ends (and there are, and often dire ones). And almost nothing – about how these psychological features affect the people with NRL themselves? And there are quite a few negative consequences for them, too.

1. Narcissism is associated with increased risks to health and well-being. In 2012, a study conducted in the United States, in West Chester, based on the analysis of 365 questionnaires of participants, revealed the following: people with pronounced narcissistic traits are more likely to use alcohol in large quantities, light drugs, and are prone to aggressive driving.

A 2015 study from three institutions (Deakin University School of Medicine, National Center for Excellence in Youth Mental Health, University of Eastern Finland) found a correlation between narcissistic personality disorder and an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, arthritis.

In addition, narcissistic disorder is often accompanied by comorbidities: depressive and anxiety disorders, and eating disorders.

Why does this happen? The reasons probably lie in the increased levels of stress that narcissists experience on a regular basis.

University of Illinois psychologist Zhoei Cheng measured levels of cortisol (a hormone responsible for immediate acute stress) and alpha-amylase (an enzyme associated with chronic stress) in a control group of students in normal life for three days. Both were found to be significantly elevated in people with narcissism.

Similar results were observed by University of Michigan psychologist Robin Edelstein in a stressful situation. A group of students were given 10 minutes to prepare a speech, then abruptly took the text away and were given the task of speaking in front of a group of supposedly experts who would evaluate them.

The subjects’ cortisol levels were then measured. One might have thought that the narcissists’ confidence would alleviate their stress. But in fact, narcissism was linked to increased stress.

These facts support the idea that with outward confidence, narcissists’ self-esteem is much more precarious. Deep down, they are much more painful to experience the possibility of failure.

2. Narcissists are very difficult to create close relationships. Any trusting relationship implies that we reveal to the person we love not only our good sides, but also show our different selves – vulnerable, unsuccessful, tired, etc. This is very difficult for people with NRL. That’s why it’s hard for them to create relationships where there is real emotional intimacy. It’s easier for them to keep their distance in their interactions with people.

Also, narcissists often treat their partner not as an individual, but as a resource, a thing. This destroys even the most meaningful and important contacts. Therefore, it is often easy for narcissistic personalities to hold a large number of superficial acquaintances, but it is difficult to build long-term relationships.

What to do if you notice traits of a narcissist in yourself?

Recognizing the problem is already a huge and difficult step to overcome it and make life more comfortable (both yours and those around you).

It could be a narcissistic disorder or just a pronounced character trait. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is how it affects your quality of life.

To be honest, very few people with narcissistic accentuation (and especially those with narcissistic disorder) actually recognize it in themselves, and very rarely get to see a psychologist.

More often than not, narcissists feel like it’s about anyone but them. Therefore, if you notice and recognize the problem, it is already an achievement.

It is important to turn to a specialist who will help to adapt the features of your personality so that they do not bring discomfort to you and your environment, so that they do not destroy relationships that are meaningful to you, do not create restrictions for the realization and happy life.

You need to prepare for the fact that the path will be long and difficult. People with narcissistic traits often take a very long time to simply begin to trust the psychologist and gradually open up their vulnerable sides to him. Doing this is necessary so that later, based on this experience, you can change things in your interactions with your loved ones. The journey will indeed be long, but the result is definitely worth it.