Emotional intelligence: what it is and how to develop it, markers of low and high EQ

psychologist, educator

Today, the concept of Emotional Intelligence (Emotional Intelligence or Emotional Quotient) is heard very often. In the scientific world, this topic has been widely studied for several decades. Let’s try to understand the question in more detail.

Table of Contents

What is emotional intelligence?

In psychology, the concepts of “emotion” and “intelligence” were initially considered separately from each other, but it has always been clear that they are related. The first attempt at unification was made by Israeli physiologist Reuven Bar-On. In 1985, he introduced the term “emotional quotient” (emotional quotient / EQ).

The definition of “emotional intelligence” appeared in 1990. It was introduced by researchers John Mayer and Peter Salovey. For a wide audience this term was opened in 1995 by journalist and writer Daniel Goleman. He wrote the book “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Means More Than IQ”. It was on the New York Times bestseller list for 1.5 years.

In his work, Goleman defines EQ as the ability to perceive and express emotions; to assimilate, understand, explain and regulate them.

In the best-selling book, the American also explained how the human brain is influenced by feelings. He proved that the emotional domain is very important in achieving success. Previously, its role was considered less significant.

Is EQ more important than IQ?

In fact, EQ cannot be considered the opposite of IQ. They need to be considered together. Moreover, a number of studies claim that if one quotient is not developed, the other will stand still. It is the two that help unlock a person’s full potential. Therefore, it is important to strengthen both.

What does EQ consist of?

Emotional intelligence has several components.

Self-awareness. It is necessary to know the strengths and weaknesses of one’s character. It is equally important to be able to identify your emotions. Why? In this case, you will not engage in self-bashing or self-glorification. Will be able to perceive criticism, see the difference between unreasonable and constructive evaluation.

Self-regulation. Positive and negative emotions are part of our psyche. It is impossible to control their appearance, but everyone can cope with them. A person who possesses this skill correlates his emotion with the situation he is in and behaves accordingly (within social norms).

Motivation. This state helps to achieve goals, cope with life’s difficulties.

Social skills. This component is responsible for interaction with others. It is about the ability to communicate, to cause the necessary reactions. Such a person is friendly, affable, sociable. It is important for each of us to feel a sense of belonging to society.

Empathy. Understanding the feelings of others, the ability to put yourself in the place of another allows you to build quality and strong relationships.

How to distinguish people with high emotional intelligence?

Such personalities stand out from the crowd. They can be recognized by the following signs:

the ability to clearly define the emotions experienced;
the ability to calmly resolve conflicts and disagreements;
independence, autonomy and moral autonomy;
a high level of motivation;
the ability to discuss feelings comfortably;
ability to analyze and understand relationships;
healthy level of optimism; ability to accept negative emotions;
self-confidence;
a desire for self-actualization.

How to distinguish people with low emotional intelligence?

To identify such a person, pay attention to the following qualities:

Inability to determine the emotional state;
a tendency to take offense, an inability to forgive;
tendency to attack, blame, criticize and accuse, interrupt, command, dispense advice;
dependence of motivation on status, fame, approval;
insensitivity to one’s emotions;
inability to be flexible, desire to live within limits and conditions (to feel safe);
indecisiveness;
excessive pessimism and a tendency to spoil the mood of others. The opposite side is extreme optimism and inability to listen to reasonable arguments.

To determine your level of emotional intelligence, you can take a test. Find them on the Internet is not difficult. There will be questions about feelings, thoughts, behavior and communication. One of the most popular is the psychologist Nicholas Hall’s questionnaire.

There is also always the option of seeking a consultation with a psychologist. He will help determine your EQ and suggest how to increase it.

How to develop emotional intelligence?

The influence and importance of EQ in our lives is great. Do we know how to understand ourselves, our desires and feelings? Are these really our emotions or have they been imposed? Do we know how to build healthy relationships without manipulation, accusations? It is important to realize that emotional intelligence is a skill (not a gift from birth, although some people do learn it much easier). So it can be trained.

Ways to develop EQ

A chart with emotions and feelings. Download it on the Internet (it is in the public domain). Study it. Answer the question: in what situations did you feel this or that emotion?
Exercise “Mirror”. Stand in front of your reflection and start showing different emotions and feelings. When this stage becomes easy for you, make the task more difficult. For example, show anger only with your eyes.
Exercise “Find a reason”. During the day, find at least five reasons to experience positive emotions or those that increase your effectiveness (interest, acceptance, trust). Note them and analyze them.
“Emotion Diary. Get yourself a notebook, notebook or diary where you write down your emotions from the moment you wake up. To begin with, three times a day. Then – every two hours. And most importantly, remember that there are no bad and good emotions. Each of them has the right to exist. Do not berate yourself for negative feelings. Learn to channel their energy in the right direction or give them an ecological outlet. For example, through sports.
Track your emotions. Do this while reading a book or watching a movie. What phrases trigger your feelings? When have you experienced something like this before?
Working with bad moods. Experiencing negative emotions from time to time is normal. Analyze what is the origin of your condition? This is important because we make decisions and act under its influence.
Talk to your body. It is important to listen to it. Tension and stress affect the way our body works. We need to notice the signals that the body gives us in order to recover. Where is the emotion located? Listen to it. Try to feel that place.

If you find it difficult to do the exercises on your own, it is worth seeking help from a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Why develop it?

Expert in the field of systemic psychology. Trainer, coach

Developed emotional intelligence is a sign of a person’s maturity. What is meant here is the ability to establish contact with oneself, to recognize and manage one’s own feelings and emotions, as well as to see and identify emotions and feelings of others.

This quality is now one of the most important soft skills. A high EQ allows you to build a successful career, sign million-dollar contracts, deliver brilliant speeches, command an audience at lectures, make the best decisions, act quickly, confidently and accurately.

It is also necessary to develop the most important basic abilities: to ask – to refuse, to criticize – to encourage, to conflict – to interact, to explain – to understand, to ask – to answer.

A person with developed emotional intelligence determines his or her own state by changing the attitude to the current situation. This is necessary to achieve big goals, when there may be a lack of diligence and willpower. Also – in case of high workload with family matters and in difficult life situations, when loved ones need help and support. It is enough to revise your list of tasks, replace “must” with “want”, and the mood immediately changes, and this automatically gives the resource to fulfill the tasks.

At the same time, a person with a high EQ does not manipulate others, but acts from the position of an adult. He does not blame the mistakes of others and does not shift the responsibility for failures to them. Such a person is the author of his life. Even a negative result he perceives as an experience from which useful lessons can be learned.

What is the danger of lack of EQ?

The danger of underdeveloped emotional intelligence is that in the absence of established contact with oneself, in a critical situation (when a trigger is triggered, stress), a person “falls” into a “small part of himself”. This leads to an inability to make choices, making erroneous decisions, shifting responsibility for one’s failures to others.

EQ can be underdeveloped for several reasons. For example, the connection to emotions can be impaired in people with psychological trauma. Here also come the consequences of strong experiences, loss, tragic events.

If in the family it is customary to “turn off” emotions – it was not allowed to talk about them, to share experiences, then the sensual sphere is also blocked. Men in some cultures are forbidden to show what is in their hearts, to share their feelings.

What does all this have to do with the brain?

Head of the Academy of Meaning Andrei Kurpatov

When we talk about emotions, we often mean that they live in us by themselves. As if it is enough to know a list of all feelings, their signs and have an instruction on what to do with them. In reality, it’s a little more complicated than that. To develop EQ, it’s important to understand the mechanics of how emotions arise in the human brain.

Our emotional background is determined by basic needs hidden in the subcortex. There are three of them: safety, social, and sexual. If we build social relationships, the chances of procreation increase. As a result, positive emotions are formed. And vice versa – if life is threatened, there is negativity from a social group, and our sexual sensitivity is devoid of counter interest, we will suffer.

The brain has a three-story structure, each of which is involved in the formation of emotions.

“Reptile” or “ancient” brain, in which unconscious regulation of physiological functions occurs. For example, during fear, heartbeat and breathing increase, shame or anger makes our cheeks redden. These reactions we can not control consciously.
“Limbic” brain, in which the needs we talked about above and their manifestations are formed. Here come the desire for dominance, sexual arousal, pain and search interest.
“Neocortis” or cortex, where images and thoughts arise. In the case of fear, there are frightening pictures of what might happen. In sexual arousal, thoughts of love. In the case of feelings of pain, pictures of death.

Thus, emotions manifest themselves on three levels: bodily, behavioral , and cognitive.

These principles are important to know in order to correctly identify both your own and others’ feelings. By paying attention to only one component, it is very easy to make a mistake.

For example, you may experience tachycardia and draw the wrong conclusions that you have a heart problem. But if you take a closer look at what is happening to you (pay attention to your thoughts that accompany the heartbeat, and analyze what need may be making itself known), you will notice that this is actually how fear manifests itself.

Basic knowledge about the formation of emotions, attention to yourself and others in ordinary daily life is the basis for the development of emotional intelligence.

Emotions are the release of certain neurotransmitters in our brain. If the body gets what it wants, it produces “joy hormones.” If not, it produces “stress hormones.” Let’s understand these processes in detail.

Dopamine is responsible for feelings of joy. When we achieve a goal, it motivates us. Once we realize something, we experience the elation of discovery. This is also an action hormone.
Serotonin increases our stress tolerance, and its levels depend on the relationships we have with people who matter to us. If we feel supported, approved and respected, serotonin increases. If not, it decreases, and then we feel unhappy.
Endorphin is the neurotransmitter of action. Its production is triggered by laughter, small amounts of exercise, team sports and relaxation.
Oxytocin makes us feel tender and kind. An atmosphere of trust, friendly communication and psychological closeness stimulates the production of oxytocin and the associated experience of inner joy.
Noradrenaline, on the contrary, increases the feeling of anxiety, invigorates, tonifies. It is released in extreme situations.

People with high EQ can not only normalize their state and create friendly relations with people, but also get more joy from life.