Why do you owe everyone? 14 tips to finally start living for yourself

analytical psychologist, psychosomatotherapist, coach

If you are always doing things that you personally do not need, and there is no energy left for your life, this is an alarming signal. It indicates an inability to build personal boundaries and a tendency to give an affirmative answer to all incoming requests. Why is it so important to learn to say “no” and how to do it?

Can you easily say no to someone who asks you for something? Surely it will cause difficulties: reflections, inner torment. Saying a simple “no” can be very difficult, and for some it is impossible. But often when we agree to do a job or accept an offer that we are not very attracted to, we overstep our own boundaries. We become a follower of other people’s desires rather than our own goals. So how do we break the vicious cycle of forced yeses?

Why do we perpetually say yes?

Saying “no” and refusing other people can be really difficult, and there are many different reasons for this. Let’s look at some of them. Where does the habit of always saying “yes” come from? Why does a person owe everyone?

1. Guilt. Many of us feel uncomfortable at the thought that saying no might upset or offend someone. We don’t want to feel guilty and try to avoid it by saying yes. Just to please other people. Thus, feelings of obligation and guilt are often linked.

2. The stereotype of helping everyone. It is also held by many of us. It may be due to upbringing, role in the family, or societal expectations. We feel that we will be a bad person if we refuse help. Is this really the case? We will discuss this in detail below.

3- Having a negative background. Some people have a hard time saying “no” because of bad experiences in childhood. They may have received negative reactions for saying no or getting into an argument, so they learned to always say yes. Just to avoid conflict.

4. Fear of delineating boundaries. For some people, saying “no” means setting boundaries, and this can seem selfish and immoral. We fear losing a close relationship because of our refusal.

A person’s sense of obligation, their desire to avoid guilt, their specific upbringing, and their fear of losing relationships are the main reasons why people find it so difficult to say “no” to requests. In these cases, it is important to realize that setting boundaries and saying no is normal. Without such things, there can be no healthy relationship.

How to learn how to say no? 7 tips

To start doing in your life what you want exactly what you want, you need to stop draining energy on other people’s wishes and claims. People can be annoyed by this. Especially if they are used to your eternal “yes”. But the good news is that people get used to everything. Including getting a rejection from someone who yesterday was on board with everything.

In order to say no without guilt:

1. Realize that your “no” is normal. Everyone has every right to give such an answer at the moment when he realizes that he can not or does not want to do something.
2. Remember that when you say “no,” you don’t have to give reasons. The answer should be short and clear: “No, thank you”.
3. ignore entreaties or complaints. Learn to say “no” in a completely calm manner.
4. Defend your “no.” If you immediately agree after persuasion, you will not learn to say “no” without guilt.
5. Remember that by saying “no,” you are doing something good for yourself. This helps to keep you energized, healthy, and balanced.
6. Try not to associate your “no” with the other person’s emotions. Say it for your own sake, not to offend someone.
7. Repeat to yourself: “My ‘no’ doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It means I’m taking care of myself.”

Letting go of responsibility for the feelings of others is an important skill for emotional maturity. Accept that we don’t control people’s feelings. They are responsible for their own emotions and reactions. Our act or word is not the cause of someone else’s feelings.

Other people react based on their own internal experiences and attitudes. Therefore, don’t blame yourself if someone takes offense or gets upset. It is their choice to react in that way. Try to express yourself clearly and concisely, but at the same time without blame or excuses.

Focus on your own boundaries, needs and values. Don’t try to control the feelings of others. If someone takes offense to your response or action, give them time to “live” their emotions. You don’t have to be a life boat.

4 exercises to learn how to say “no”

1. Think about what is acceptable to you and what you would like to help others with. This is where you can practice answering yes. Now identify the things that definitely make you uncomfortable. Start with the small things – those situations where your refusal will not cause anyone loss.
2. Argue your position clearly and logically, use affirmative language. Do not be afraid of appearing “bad” in someone’s eyes. Prepare a few phrases that will help you respectfully but confidently give a refusal. To practice, you can use a mirror and practice this skill at home. Later, when you need it, you will already have a little experience and it will give you confidence.
3. Write down on a piece of paper or visualize the pros and cons of the ability to say “no”. Accept the fact that it is impossible to please everyone. Someone may find your boundaries “uncomfortable” and that’s okay.
4. Practice resilience. When we experience pressure from the asker, we may not be able to handle the tension and give in to persuasion. You can practice deep belly breathing to maintain neutrality.

Be gentle, there is no need to demand quick results or sudden changes from yourself. All skills are formed and solidified with experience. Give yourself time and put in some effort.

How to build personal boundaries? 7 tips

1. Listen to how you feel. If something makes you feel uncomfortable or violates your values, it’s a sign that you need to set a boundary.
2. Be clear about your boundaries. Be direct about what you don’t want or what you don’t agree with. Avoid vague language.
3. Don’t apologize for your boundaries. You have the right to set them for your own comfort.
4. Be willing to repeat information about your boundaries. People may “forget” about them or test you. Firmly remind yourself of your boundaries when necessary.
5. Defend your boundaries with actions. If someone doesn’t respect your verbal requests, more drastic measures may be necessary. This may include restricting communication.
6. Don’t be afraid of conflict. Healthy relationships involve the ability to compromise and discuss differences.
7. Be consistent. By agreeing to violate your boundaries, you encourage this behavior in the future.

Most importantly, respect your feelings, interests, and needs. Over time, setting boundaries will become a natural habit. Remember that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. A healthy relationship involves the ability to resolve disagreements constructively.

Try to see conflict as an opportunity for growth. Stay calm. Behave confidently, do not let emotions take over. And remember that after a conflict there is relief and pride in yourself. Over time, this feeling will overpower the fear.

Good luck building personal boundaries and learning to say “no” when you feel really unwilling to do something. This doesn’t mean you will now become a bad person. Willingness to give help and support in time is a story about a person who is a resource and doesn’t waste energy on trying to please everyone permanently.