Secretive, independent and cold: all about people with avoidant attachment patterns

psychoanalytical psychologist, CPT, coach

“The avoidant type is one of the key concepts in attachment theory. It was developed by psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby. People with the avoidant type are characterized by the fact that they tend to shy away from closeness and intimate relationships. They also demonstrate emotional distance from their partner. Attachment type plays a significant role in understanding human relationships and their dynamics.”

What we’ll talk about

There are a total of four attachment types in psychology. Avoidant is one of them. Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby also describe the following: secure, anxious, and anxious-avoidant. All four are characterized by peculiarities in the way they perceive, understand, and establish relationships with others.

People with the avoidant attachment type are characterized by a tendency toward independence and a tendency to be self-reliant. It is difficult for them to open up emotionally. We can observe the same manifestations in people with the anxious-avoidant type. But there is a difference.

People with the anxious-avoidant type of attachment crave close relationships. They are pathologically afraid of losing the object of their desire. But at the same time, such people fear intimacy and try to show independence. But avoidant types of attachment can maintain a distance in relationships and do not feel a strong fear of loss.

Features in relationships

In the relationships of people with avoidant attachment types, certain features can be observed.

1. Tendency to independence and autonomy. People with the avoidant attachment type often tend to be free and self-reliant. They prefer to solve their problems without outside help or support. In a couple, they may have difficulty establishing and maintaining deep and trusting relationships because of their emotional reticence.

2- Difficulty in showing emotions and intimacy. Avoidant people have a hard time expressing their emotions and feelings. This is due to the fear of vulnerability. They tend to be emotionally reserved and do not always discuss their feelings openly. In partner relationships, they keep their distance and avoid intimacy. And this can create a feeling of alienation in the lover.

3. Tendency to conceal their true feelings and needs. People with avoidant attachment tend to hide their true feelings and needs from others in order to avoid conflicts or unpleasant situations.

4. a lack of trust in others and a desire to solve problems on their own. Avoidant people may lack trust in others. They prefer to deal with problems on their own without seeking help or support. Often such people make their own decisions without waiting for a partner’s opinion.

Formation of the avoidant type

Various factors can contribute to the formation of avoidant attachment. From infancy, the influence of elders to the individual experience of a person. Let’s analyze it in detail.

"(《世界人权宣言》)relationship with parents in childhood is one of the main factors influencing the development of attachment. If a child lacked emotional support, was ignored, neglected, it can contribute to the formation of the avoidant type.

Childhood plays a huge role in the formation of a person’s personality. Parents are the first and main figures with whom the child interacts. It is through them that he learns to build relationships with the world around him.

Positive and caring relationships with parents contribute to the development of a personality with a secure type of attachment. What does this mean? Such a person feels loved, protected and confident that his emotional needs will be met. In this case, the child and then the adult easily enters into relationships, establishes close contact and trusts other people.

However, the lack of care, attention and support from parents can lead to the formation of unfavorable types of attachment. This includes avoidant attachment. Children who have experienced rejection or lack of emotional contact from significant adults develop a defense mechanism of avoiding intimacy with others.

Parents’ support, care, understanding, and love create a foundation for healthy emotional development and the establishment of quality relationships with others.

Traumatic events, loss of loved ones, or other negative events also influence the formation of avoidant attachment. People who have experienced a major shock or important loss begin to avoid getting close. This is their defense mechanism.

Individual character traits, innate temperament traits, and mental properties influence the formation of attachment type. Some people may have a tendency to avoid closeness and a more independent disposition.

Personal experiences also shape attachment type. For example, previous relationships, traumas, social successes and failures. Past experiences with others can have a significant impact on our behavior and communication.

It is important to remember that forming attachment type is a complex process. There are many factors to consider. But understanding them will help to better understand the nature of the avoidant attachment type and its origins.

How to build harmonious relationships?

We are all in a web of different kinds of relationships and have our own communication patterns. Interacting with other attachment types is a challenge. Why is this so?

Different attachment types may have different needs, expectations and ways of expressing emotions. However, understanding these differences and being able to find common ground with people will greatly improve the quality of your relationship.

1. Try to be open and honest in your communication with others. Express your thoughts, feelings and needs clearly and concisely to avoid misunderstandings.

2. Recognize the characteristics of other attachment types. This will help you better understand their behavior. For example, avoidant people may need more space and time to think about decisions on their own, while ambivalent people value closeness and support.

3. Show understanding and empathy for other people’s feelings and needs. Help them feel needed and important.

4. Respect other people’s boundaries and respect others’ personal space. Remember that everyone has a right to their feelings, emotions and lifestyle.

5. Accept the uniqueness and characteristics of others. Remember that we are all different. Practice acceptance of differences and tolerance of all types of attachment.

6. Encourage shared interests and hobbies. They can bring your relationship together and help you understand each other better.

Communicating with different types of attachment is not easy. But with mutual respect, understanding and tolerance, it is possible to build harmonious and trusting communication.

It’s also worth noting that attachment type has a significant impact on family and romantic relationships. How? People with an avoidant attachment type need more personal space and independence. It is important to respect their needs and boundaries. You don’t need to insist on too much communication. Give them the opportunity to be themselves.

Avoidant people may also have difficulty expressing their emotions and needs. Therefore, it is important to provide them with support and understanding, be patient and supportive at times when they need help.

Understanding the attachment type of both partners can help you better understand your dynamic. This is how you will learn how to communicate effectively. Communication, empathy, and a willingness to work on yourself and your relationship contribute to building a strong and trusting bond as a couple.

Understanding your own emotions, fears and limitations helps a person better understand themselves, reactions to events and interactions with the world around them. Ask questions about what scares you, causes anxiety, or makes you uncomfortable.

Pay attention to situations in which you feel insecure or stressed. This will help identify your fears and limitations. It is important to recognize that every person has them. There is no need to be ashamed of your emotions and feelings. It is better to look for ways to deal with them.

If you are having trouble understanding your fears and limitations, don’t hesitate to seek help from a psychologist or therapist. They can help you understand your emotions and learn how to manage them effectively.

Steps to help you change your attachment type

Changing attachment type is a difficult process. Why. It requires becoming aware of one’s current attachment style, as well as making changes in one’s attitudes and behaviors. Let’s look at a few practical steps for making a “quality” change and forming a trusting attachment.

1- Recognizing and understanding your attachment type. This is the first step to change. Examine the characteristics of each attachment type and try to determine which one you are prone to.

2. Work with past events. If you have had traumatic experiences or negative relationships that have affected your attachment type, it is important to begin to overcome them. Talking to a therapist or psychologist who specializes in this topic can help you sort through the issues and begin to heal emotional wounds.

3. Developing security and self-confidence. In order to change the type of attachment, it is important to develop a sense of security and a secure inner support. Working on self-esteem, building self-respect and confidence will help change the way you view yourself and improve the quality of your relationship.

4. Setting Boundaries. Defining and maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship is a key aspect of changing attachment type. Learn to express your needs and respect your own and others’ boundaries.

5. Learning new communication skills. Positive communication experiences play an important role in changing attachment type. Learn to express your feelings and emotions clearly and respectfully, listen to others, show empathy, and resolve conflicts effectively.

6. Supporting environment. How to do it. You need to surround yourself with a supportive environment, including friends, family or professionals. They will help you through the change process. Socializing with people who have a secure attachment style can also be helpful to you.

The change process takes time, effort, and self-reflection. Be patient and open to change, gradually moving step by step toward a healthier and more satisfying relationship.

There is also a branch of emotionally focused therapy. It is based on the attachment theory of the aforementioned authors. I recommend that you pay your attention to it. This direction perfectly copes with the task of adapting different types of attachment in all types of relationships. Also, if you are interested in this topic, it is useful to read Sue Johnson’s books “Hold Me Tighter” and the second part of the series “The Sense of Love”.